Frog Flu Reaches Britain

A new strain of amphibian influenza has reached the shores of Britain as our leading scientists feared. The deadly strain, R2D2, shows up when frogs and toads change their croak to a high-pitched series of squeaks. The first infection has turned up in a frog at Milford Haven in Wales and is believed to have been transmitted from a cane toad which came in by ship from Australia.

The deadly virus which has so far killed as many as no amphibians whatsoever is believed to be susceptible to mutation and under the right conditions could jump to humans and from human to human thereafter, literally wiping out the population UK in a matter of a few eons.

When it comes to amphibian disease, there's no flies on Frog virologist, Dr Edward Toad and I asked him what those "Right Conditions" might be. "Heat is the key component. If the Earth had a temperature as hot as the core of a fusion reactor, mutation might possibly occur, and what with global warming, that could just be days away. I don't want to be alarmist or anything, but we're all gonna die..."

Frog breeders are already suffering. "The export market has collapsed," said one, "we're having to launch a marketing campaign in France to encourage worried consumers to keep munching away on their grenouille and not fear the life threatening virus."

But government ministers are concerned and have announced emergency plans. The health minister, Mrs Hacking-Coff, said, "We need to take swift action, but clearly we don't want to be in any way alarmist so we are restricting our measures to a limited area. The five hundred kilotonne nuclear vaccination will only be dropped on Wales. Farmers in other regions needn't worry - yet."

Drinking and Swimming bad for health, medics warn.

Following an alarming rise in incidents involving young drunken men being goaded into swimming in city centre rivers adjacent to night clubs at 4am after heavy drinking, the British Medical Numpties have decided to restate the obvious. Many cities have seen sharp rises in mortality arising from people attempting to swim home.

Dr Oktar warns, "swimming after ten pints is extremely hazardous. It all comes down to the blood being concentrated in the stomach rather than the muscles. We all know that swimming after a meal is a bad idea, well, the same goes for drinking alcohol." Medics advise that after heavy drinking, revellers should choose a more sensible way of getting home. "I suggest something far less exertive - driving would seem the most appropriate."

But critics have pointed out that rise in deaths from drink-swimming has nothing to to with gut-cramping but simply caused by being incoherent and unable to control the limbs. Apparently, they say, that is what happens under the influence of too much alcohol on land as well. Doctors responded, "Is it? Crumbs."

Cabinet awarded gongs

England Cricket, Rugby and Soccer captains, Michael Vaughan, Martin Corry and David Beckham announced today that following a successful year, doing their jobs, more or less, the entire cabinet will be nominated for awards. Just as the Ashes winning team all won awards in 2005 and the football team may do this year, it was felt that the cabinet should be similarly awarded gongs. The junior members will get CBEs whilst the Home Secretary, Foreign Secretary and Chancellor all get KBEs. The Prime Minister receives a new award by his own design SROU, the supreme ruler of the universe.

Said Vaughan, "it is a British tradition to hand an entire team awards after doing their jobs for a short period and we are all proud of their achievements over the year."

Voxpop pollsters interviewed Joe Ordinary on the streets of many major cities who agreed. "They should all be bloody knighted. It's a fantastic performance. Britain is riding on the tidal wave of adrenaline and goodwill following their successes in doing their jobs."

Rugby World Cup winning manager, Sir Clive Woodward said, "If I had had my way they would all be made Lords." But the Prime Minister played this down joking, "that's going a bit far! You need to pay for that! Anyway, when our careers are over, we'll all get Lordships or Baronetcies anyway."

Desalination Plant Shut Down Before It Starts

The Government's newly appointed Efficiency Tsar, Donald Dukk, has hit the ground running after a brief visit to Folkestone and Dover today. His morning itinery was a visit to new desalination plant under construction near the Kentish coastal towns which is being built to meet increasing demand for fresh water, especially in drought conditions. Afterwards he enjoyed a lunch with the mayors of both towns at a local fish and chip shop.

Upon returning to London he had clearly been thinking, because he immediately ordered the halt to contruction work on the water plant. Instead he has ordered that the nations taps be plumbed directly into the English Channel. Explaining the shock move he said, "what is the point of taking all the salt out of the drinking water only for everyone to add it back on their fish and chips?"

"It's completely inefficient," he ranted, "people might as well get their salt from the water and stop putting it on their food."

Salt makers, Saxo, complained about the threat to jobs, but they were ignored.

Courts: Dalek vs BBC by our legal correspondent Lee Gallayed

A landmark case was heard in courtroom 6 of the Royal Courts of Justice today when a Dalek made claims for compensation on the grounds of both sexual and racial discrimination. Legal spokesman for the defendants, the BBC, read a prepared statement, "Mr Dalek has accused the BBC of blatant discrimination on the grounds that its programmes always portray him as an evil killing machine and a member of a criminal underclass. Furthermore Mr Dalek alleges that he is portrayed as asexual, when in fact he claims to be gay. The BBC denies that coverage of this ethnic minority deliberately uses steroetypes."

But Mr Dalek's spokesman said that his client was a sensitive, caring individual with no history of criminal activities. Even though some members of his race had attempted mass genocide it was an infringement of his Human Rights to brand all Daleks as murderers, vagabonds and footpads. In addition just because he has no genitals, it does not mean he is asexual. In fact he's camper than a row of pink tents, is frequently found drinking spritzers in Old Compton Street bars and just because of the limitations of his mode of perambulation, is a mincing old queen.

Lawyers are studying the Human Rights Act to see if it extends to alien races, but admit that it is so woolly that it can be adapted to almost any situation.

Mr Dalek also complained that he had not received Legal Aid to fight the case, but that his lawyer had agreed to work on a No Win - No Life basis. Pressed by journalists, Mr Dalek was not very forthcoming about his chances, merely repeating the enigmatic, "cross-examinate". He was then helped down the stairs and into a taxi.

The case continues.

Sport: Leading Scientists Called In To Solve England Manager Problem

After drawing a 0-0 blank in the search for a new England manager of whom everyone will approve, the FA have called in leading scientists to help. Austrian surgeon, Dr Frankenstein and German body plastinator Dr Gunther Von Haagen Dazs have been asked to solve the problem.

FA spokesman, Brian McClueless, said, "we have a very tight specification for the man we are looking for. We want a tall, short, fat, thin, brown, blue-eyed man with grey, brown, mousey hair. He should be quiet and reflective and also emotional and capable of motivating players using a mixture of silent fuming and load shouting. He needs to be English, British and foreign and should be experienced whilst also being raw and untrammelled by failure."

The Doctors are said to have assembled the perfect candidate who has been put together from a long list of candidates.

McClueless said, "We are delighted our new manager Igor Pigsliver who should keep everyone happy, as he will be all things to all men. There's something for and from everybody with Igor. That should keep the journalists happy."

Man Turns Into Haggis

Climber Angus McFungus was found alive and well on Ben Macdui today by mountain rescue teams who had been called out when relatives of McFungus, 62, reported him missing. Rescuers found him on a ledge 3000ft up, lying down like a small haggis. Apparently he had become trapped by bad weather and had to survive by eating himself. All that remained was a huge stomach into which he had disappeared

The elderly climbing enthusiast was said to be recovering from his two week ordeal in an intensive care chill cabinet at the Inverness branch of Waitrose, but was unable to comment. Rescuers were said to be slightly irritated that they had put their own lives at risk saving Mr McFungus, at times flying helicopters dangerously close to perilous escarpments, and Mr McFungus was yet to express gratitude.

Pilot Gordon McStewart said, "It was a dangerous mission, but we have yet to hear a peep out of the ungrateful, sorry unlucky, old fool." But wireman Stewart McGordon was more sanguine, "Well, Ok fair enough he hasn't felt it worth acknowledging the millions of pounds of taxpayers money spent on the operation, but this was highly unusual and undoubtedly we'll all be dining out on Mr McFungus for months."

Ugly Politician Admits to Mistress

Winner of ugliest man in the world prize seven years in a row, Mr Jabba Hutt, Minister for Tinkering, admitted to being somewhat bemused when newspapers revealed he had conducted a long term affair. Hutt explained, "I just been munching though a dozen meat pies with baked beans at the breakfast table when I sees meself in the Mirror supposedly having had extra marriageable affairs. Nothing could be further from the truthfulnesses. Its a pack of cards - I mean lies - I haven't never strayed from my one true love."

The alleged mistress, Mrs Pasty from Cornwall worked as a private secretary and admitted to a relationship but said it was purely platonic. She explained that although they had spent many hours together it was all time spent improving Mr Hutt's oral skills which weren't really up to much. She also said she was astonished at the suggestion that they had been lovers. "Give over, you don't think I could share a bed with that could you?"

But Mr Hutt fuelled speculation that they had enjoyed fetishistic relations by producing the bag Mrs Pasty had insisted on wearing.

The Daily Piffle says, Phwoar, Mrs Pasty...parliamentary stunna...see pictures of her on Page 3.

Man Is Different From Woman After All

A hugely expensive twenty year study by researchers from the University of Bugger at Bognor has finally published its report. "Men and women are actually not the same, it says. University Dean, Dean Dene, said he was proud of this breakthrough study and hoped to secure further government funding to finance a follow up project to spot exactly what the differences are, becuase, he says, "its far from obvious."

Railway Station Admonished

Railway operator, SloCoach has been told off for placing offensive warning signs on Hatfield Peveral station in Essex, but managers have not been slow to defend themselves.

The station is on a high speed section of the Norwich to London InterCity line and trains can come past the platform at over 100mph causing a very strong vortex in its wake. Hence they felt justfied to place signs waning passengers to "Stand away from platform edge - or you might get sucked off."

The signs have come down, but some passengers have sympathy with SloCoach. Commuter, Violet Dostoyevsky, 23, said that when the expresses pass by it can "certainly put the willies up me." Jeff Pinstrype, and accountant from Boreham, said that one morning he had inadvertantly stood too close to the edge and found himself "being pulled off" as the train passed and had only been saved by a fellow passenger who had lent him a "helping hand".

But stuffy old trout, Betty Grumble, of Tunbridge Wells moaning society, Entendre-Entendre was non-plussed. "I'm disgusted," she endlessly repeated.

"Fannying Around" now a prohibited activity.

Home Secretary announced today new plans to abolish fannying around. Carlos T Jackal said in a statement given at the Mansion House that all forms of dithering, procrastinating and time-wasting and most particulalry fannying around would be made illegal. Anyone taking their time over something or being a bit over-careful would face the prospect of a £50 fixed penalty notice and a FABO - a fannying around banning order.

"There's far too much pingling and general irresolute hesitancy," he said, "it's small wonder anything actually ever gets done."

But opposition leaders warned of dire consequences to unemployment. Shadow Home Office Minister, Lady Fffarquar-ffrench faffed, "Without hour upon hour of dispalcement activity, inaction and fiddling about, jobs will get done three times as quick and we could see the dole queue rise to five million. Efficiency is the enemy of the British worker."

Critics also pointed out that as Parliament has spent much of the last hundred years acheieving bugger all, the new laws may lead to shutting down the Palace of Westminster. In the light of this, Jackal agreed to review his position in due course when he could be bothered to get round to it.

Piece of River Stolen

A short section of the River Nene in Cambridgeshire was reported stolen yesterday morning. A fifteen yard section of the river at Walpole Marsh between Wisbech and Sutton Bridge has simply vanished.

The report to Wisbech Police Station was made by dog walker Mary Aucontrary, 57, who was out at 6am to give her dalmation some early exercise along the waterside. "I was walking along the river as I do every morning, when we suddenly came across a section where there was no water. The river remains either side of the stolen part."

Sceptics wondered if it was a late April Fools joke and were surprised that the missing section could be surrounded by two walls of water. But scientists explained that some rivers have very high surface tension which could stop the remaining water simply filling in the missing section. Environmentalists are worried though that without the missing part, upstream water will simply back up and cause flooding. Rivers Agency spokesman Dee Tyne-Tees said there was concern that if the thieves are not caught quickly and punished severely this could lead to a crime wave with other parts of rivers being taken.

Wisbech Police's PC Ron Cuprum said that they were confident that they would catch the robbers. "They obviously had to carry the piece of river on a large flat bed lorry and will have needed to hide it for a while and it shouldn't be a difficult job finding fifteen yards of river, wherever the robbers choose to bury it."

But crime experts say that it will be surprisingly easy to launder and will probably find its way into the hands of a foreign buyer, probably from the Middle East. It is very likely to be broken up and sold off in small pieces - possibly in plastic bottles. They say that this is not unique and pieces of other rivers have been stolen in the past. After the 1968 Great Tamar heist, very little of it was ever recovered and in all probability most of the stolen water is still underground, possibly in the hands of private collectors.

Cancer: Mysterious Chemical to Blame

South Portsmouth Oncology Oversight Force, the Solent-based research group were bubbling today. They had discovered that the presence of newly discovered chemical compound, so called Iso-Acetyls are to blame for cancer.

Dr Oktar, now science adviser to the Daily Piffle said, "This is amazing news. This discovery means that cancer is not caused by lifestyle factors, genetic disorders or hormone imbalances at all. So we can all go on smoking, drinking, eating fatty foods, living next to nuclear power stations and having menopauses however we like."

But campaigners for Freedom to Behave Normally poured cold water on the findings. "That's all very well, but frankly we were going to carry on as normal anyway. This news changes nothing."

Apparently the mysterious Iso-Acetyls are contained in everything, ever. Even chocolate. So there's no avoiding them.

Football: 2006 will be a goal drought. Bring back cheating say leading stars

Since all kinds of cheating were expunged from the beautiful game, fans have been treated to a dearth of goals and there have been protests outside the FA headquarters.

Spokesman for Supporters ReUnited, Don Syko, raged, "Now that every game ends with eleven men against eleven, they simply cancel each other out and we end up with every game drawn nil-nil. What we need is for the balance to be upset again, with players feigning injury to get the opposition sent off. Ten or even nine against eleven is always a better guarantee for a goal rush."

Leading players have joined the chorus. Dutch maestro and RADA graduate little Rudi Robbenhood, once famed for clutching his head to feign injury even before he'd arrived at the ground, claiming that Liverpool midfielder Steven Scouse had raised an arm said, "if we can get the teams down to eigth versus seven before half time, there's much more space to play in." Scouse remembers the incident fondly too. "Rudi jumped the lights on the way to the Bridge and I gave him the finger. So Rudi simulated injury to his pride and the ref sent me off before I even got changed into me kit. It was a great game even though we went down six nil."

Star diver Didier Louganis also said that unchallenged falling in the box should be reinstated. "We could do with a few penalties to liven these games up. In the old days, I'd regularly go down like a sack of potatoes as many as a dozen times a game, even when the opposition were taking a corner at our end. Goals are what the fans want. Even if it requires steering the ball in the net by hand."

And top referees agree. Graham Deedpoll said, "I miss all the abuse from the fans. All those suggestions to visit the opticians on the way home, or that I'm the product of unmarried parents, or comments about my onanist tendencies that used to arise because I was gullible and easily conned." "Oh, how I miss those days," he added wistfully, "and if the FA wonks are going to reverse their rule changes they couldn't do better than renaming Assistant Referees as Lino's as well."

Middle Eastern Country Condemned for Building Oil-Fired Power Station

Qurani leaders were condemned today by Western politicians for recommencing work on the Isfahan oil-fired power station that scientists believe may also be a secret refinery. The UN has long been sceptical that Quran harbours secret ambitions to use oil to make petrol which could lead to heaven knows what.

President Armani DinnerJacket stood before leading Quranis declaring that his people should be allowed to run gas-guzzling four by fours and that the extra refining capacity and the power station to run it were all essential steps in that process. "Off roaders are essential freedoms for our people - especially when we don't have many roads, " he stated.

But US Congressmen were suspicious. Senator Jenny Janitor said, "Who knows what problems this could cause the world? If the Quranis start using up their own oil on themselves, what are we in the US supposed to do?"

Quran became a democracy after the US led invasion in 2000 which toppled the former repressive regime and installed a liberal government. Citizens have since been free to go about their business and use up oil and precious resources as they like. Secret sources advised me that intelligence agents had begun work on a coup plot to ensure that a respessive regime is re-estalished immediately. Janitor nearly confirmed this saying, "People in other countries going around enjoying themselves at our expense has got to stop."

LyfeStile: A Garnished Dish is a Tarnished Dish - By Style Editor Leonie Lyfe

Chuck out the flat-leaved parsley from your pantries; dig up the mint from your herb patch; because the latest food craze in town is ungarnished. Fashionable reastaurants in fashionable London's fashionable Soho are dropping the little green stalks in favour of...nothing. And charging us for the privilege. Since coriander leaves went AWOL from the dinner plates, prices have risen by 10%.

Leading restauranteur and part-time swearer, Gordon "Thu King" Ramsbottom explained that all the extra fuss on the plate simply detracts from the food and was incensed recently when food critic A A Gilne requested that his medallions of pork be graced by a few stalks of Purple Sage. Ramsbottom stormed out of his kitchen brandishing nothing but a plate of the vermillion leaves, slamming it down before the critic and shouting, "you want f***ing garnish, then you have f***ing garnish. I've fed the pork to the cat." Gilne was surprisingly happy and said, quietly, that he'd be dining out for a week on that. I have to say he does look awfully undernourished.

As for the price increase, top chef in the world, Heston Service-Station of the Fat Goose explained that there is a considerable amount of art involved in having no garnish. "It's not that there's no garnish, its that the dishes are garnished with air. But not just any air as it comes straight from the packet. The molecules all have to be arranged with molecular tweezers to ensure the right aesthetics. And too much stray Argon and the whole dish has to go in the bin."

I don't know. People have more money than sense.

St Pauls' Cathedral To Be Remodelled under EU Law

Work begins immediately on the reshaping of the iconic dome of St Pauls' Cathedral in London. New EU directives have come into force which no-longer permit rounded sections on church buildings. The Ecclesiatical Establishments (squaring off thereof) Regulations 2006 EU Directive 22456637 require all churches and cathedrals to be harmonised to the Euro standard square shape. This is all part of the overarching Oecumenical Tesselation Directive from 2004.

Large cranes will fill the skyline of Paternoster Square carrying huge bastards which will be used to file down the rounded dome. However, in a rare concession, St Pauls' will not have to be fully squared off and will be allowed to merely be hexagonalised. EU Ministers have already granted an exemption to the lantern towers of Ely Cathedral which are octagonal already. Ely had to win a protracted court battle, citing and loophole in the regulations. Bishop of Ely explained that as octagons already tesselate and no further work was required.

UK-Oo-E? (United Kingdom Out of Europe?) party compained bitterly last night. "This is just another law designed to homogenise Europe, and it always seems that the UK is the country has to give the concessions." Europe Culture Minister, Jacques Tatty, who just happens to be French said in response, "I durnt knur what yur min, har, har. Why dur the Eengleesh ullwas sink there is a cunspiracee?" and helped himself to another vat of Bollinger.

Rogue Pet Firm Owner Incarcerated

Police expressed disappointment today that they were too late on the scene to arrest rogue villian, Mr Bill Dobermann-Pincher for running a racket. The story is picked up by DI Deedum of the Yard. "We was proceeding in an Easterly direction towards the soon to be accused's property in order to proceed with an apprehension of the aforementioned thereof, when events, and a speeding concrete mixer overtook us."

Tearful wife of Mr D-P sobbed, "we had had a tip off that the fuzz were on their way and called KwikSet Rapid Concrete to bury the evidence. My husband had hastily dug a hole in the garden, but unfortunately he was still doing the spadework when the concrete man emptied 250 gallons of fast setting cement into the hole. I was mortified and my husband was solidified."

The racket which Mr D-P had been running was an illegal puppy breeding operation. His appalling business practice had left a trail of upset children accross the country in tears. His mail order business, DOA Puppies, had been posting the pets to the new owners, which according to the RSPCA is contrary to normal regulations. Spokesman for the animal charity explained that normal procedure would be to use DHL or another private carrier because everyone knows about the rough handling that the Post Office normally subject packages to.

Mrs D-P was muscled away by police, insisting that "Them dogs was alright and that. Still breeving and stuff when we slotted them into the post box slot."

Research Filler - By Mike Filla

Today our fax was bombarded with specially commissioned research and the Ed has space to fill - so here goes...

Cancer Research Charity, Tululous today says that 99% of everything we eat gives us cancer and spokesman for the charity suggests we simply put our housekeeping money straight into the buckets placed outside Sainsbury's.

Supermarket group, Tinz n' Packs 4 Less, say the above is rubbish, 99% of the time.

Home builders, Jerry Bilt and Co say house prices going up, whilst Estate Agency, Millstone, Rounda and Neck say they are going down. Building Society, Thin Solvency Bank say they should go up again, pleeese, or we're bust or else.

Tenuously linked (and dubiously reserved) Insurance Group, OurRiskIsUR-Risk who sponsored a study on pet diets just to get some publicity oxygen say, 14.6328% of cats actually get fed dog food by mistake at least 17.2993% of the time. That's up 1.63% since last time.

The Office of Statistics, Lies and Untruths said today that 106% of newspaper space is filled with made up studies. That might look odd, but apparently that includes VAT.

Book Review: I Read Grays Anatomy One Saturday - Ian McGoohan

McGoohan writes well, and deserves his epithet, One Of The Best Living Authors Today. But heavens above what has this man been reading? McGoohan says he does his research throughly, but in this work he seems to have gone on a weekend bender with a delegation or brain surgeons.

Protagonist Harry Reknowne is happy in his hospital but against a backdrop of 9/11 he feels something is darkening in his own world. Critics have been unkind about using the mechanism which jars like a jarring machine turned up to ten (ed - is that a good simile?), and I agree because I don't know any better. As events conspire against Reknowne, he finds himself struggling to save his family. Fortunately when confronted by his antagonisers, he has a hefty copy of Gray's Anatomy to hand and is able to bludgeon them to near death.

Did I enjoy this book? Don't ask me, I haven't read it. But I can tell you something for definite - its one heck of a tour de force.

Book Review: The Name of The Buttercup - Umberto EcoFriendly

Italian semiologist's latest work is a tour de force. EcoFriendly rarely gives interviews but in one candid moment admitted that he no-longer regards himself as a full semiologist. "How can I be? I write about symbols and signs or portent, yet I choose to do so in plain old Italian. At best I'm a semi-semioligist." Well you can't say fairer than that!

So to this latest work, a modest three hundred page book, is essentially a murder mystery wrapped up in an enigma wrapped up in a puzzle. The first two hundred and ninety-nine pages are a load of inpenetrable stream of consciousness ramblings on the nature of semiotics followed by a really cracking page which at heart is a simple whodunnit. EcoFriendly admits that the structure of the book is intended to put off the casual reader. "If you can make it through the first part, then you deserve the story proper."

The story proper is oddly concise. You can paraphrase it in just eleven words, "Some monks are murdered. Was it the devil's work?Aggh, poison!" Obviously that is a precis of that all important last page which actually containes a whopping fifteen words. And did the devil do it? Don't ask me, read it yourself and don't lick your fingers.

Theatre Review: Gargling With Lager - Alqeida Theatre London

Xerxes O'Smith's latest offering at the boutique North London Alqeida Theatre is an absolute tour de force. It gives is a story of three young men out on a Friday night beer session who find an old lamp in the street outside the pub where they are drinking. After giving it a brief polish they are transported to Arabia still holding their pints. In a dry country, this is viewed dimly and all hell breaks loose.

O'Smith uses the Aladdin device to explore the juxtaposition of the Western and Middle Eastern cultures and judges each beautifully - a denouncement of the alcohol fuelled hedonism of Britain on a Friday night and the firm disciplinarian regimes of parts of Arabia. Gary Barry, Barry McGarry and Mick Garrybarry give excellent performances as the three louts and one can almost believe they have actually fuelled up before going on stage.

The play reaches its denouement after punishments are administered in the Arabian prison and they are immediately whirled away back to British streets in time for last orders. It ends on a great visual gag when Mark (Gary Barry) is asked by a friend, James, where they were all evening. "We've been on a pub crawl around the streets of Riyadh," says braggadocio Mark. "Oh, yeah?" says James, "And how many pints did you have?" Mark holds up his two hands with just his thumbs and a single forefinger still in tact, "Seven". The audience rolled in the aisles. But O'Smith is trying to make the point that there are at least some parts of Sharia Law which might be worth transporting to Britain to keep our excesses in check - I think.

New Particle Found - By our science writer L Bert Onestone

Scientists at leading cyclotron laboratories somewhere underground in middle England have found a particle. Apparently there was quite a lot of serendipity involved. Project Speck co-ordinator, Dr Dott explained, "we have been bombarding heavy elements with fast neutrons for several years in attempt to find a new sub-atomic particle for our own self-gratification."This project has cost the tax-payer a heck of a lot of money but Dott was pleased that it had resulted in a major find.

The new particle, the lens-on, wasn't actually detected by the magnetic spectrometer devices in the sub-terranean collider, but was found lying about on the control room floor. "We'd been groping about in the dark for quite a while, on our hands and knees when we just found it. The rest of the team were pleased but I was especially delighted. I must have popped it out when I rubbed my eye and I couldn't see hardly at all before the lens-on was found."

But amidst the scientific celebrations, buckets of heavy water were poured on the find by Fred Mean, leader of the Taxpayer's Convention. "This is a feeble attempt to justify a lot of wasted cash that could be wasted elsewhere," he moaned.

Ministers weren't sure which side to back on this one and spent an hour looking for a fence to sit on.

Legislation Enacted that Works

For the first time in a long time, legislation has successfully passed legal tests. The Act in question was the 2004 Placebo (Minor Modifications) Act, which is a piece of self-redundant legislation that does nothing. Like all the other Acts of Parliament of recent times it has been tested in Courts in numerous test cases to ensure it is fully compatible with all the other legislation ever, including the Human Rights Acts, and found to be fully compatible.

"This is an important breakthrough," cheered Secretary of State for Superfluity and Irrelevance, "We are pleased that this legislation will not be able to be challenged and found to have been a pointless waste of Commons hot air."

The provisions of the Act enable, "whatever is going on to continue going on" which is quite a wide ranging and all encompassing piece of law-making. My media pack tells me to write or else, that it is going to make a significant contribution to our future lives in a very real and modern way. So there, I have. Ministers are happy at last.

UK Space Agency Lands Rocket on Moon

Champagne corks and party poppers were going off like crazy at the UKSA in Bracknell today as the first British space rocket lands on the moon. "This makes us only about the third or so nation to land on the Moon, " said leading astrophysicist Dr Albert Clott.

The landing module was about the size of a dustbin and about as useful because all the instruments on board got damaged when it crash lended a little out of control. Scientists enthusiams weren't dampened though. Clott explained, "this was a two pronged mission. Admittedly we had hoped to collect some surface samples, but we also wanted to experiment with a new idea for our excess wate which can no longer fit into brimming landfill sites. There's a lot of room up there for all our plastic cartons and newspapers and we wanted to know how feasible it would be to fire it into space. It seems that we have hit the jackpot."

But it was revealed later that the mission hadn't gone completely to plan. I managed to beat a confession out of Clott. "No, you are right, things haven't actually been perfect. We had hoped to put the rocket onto Mars but someone loaded the wrong space map into the dustbin's computer and it took a wrong turning. It's a shame we never made it to Mars, but the Moon is a very good second best. Given the incorrect trajectory, it's a bloody miracle we hit anything at all."

Ministers were unavailable for comment.

Sat Nav Actually of Use

An Edinburgh man claimed today that his Sat Nav had been of some use. Apparently the computer navigation system had sent him on the fastest route to Cape Wrath on the North eastmost corner of Scotland via the Nevis Range.

"I couldn't believe it when I got diverted off the A9 to Inverness and sent as the crow flies towards Fort William via Ben Nevis", said Jocky McThicky. But believe it or not he did, and followed this mad itinery to nowhere fast. "Turn left, turn right, blah,blah, droned the bag on the Sat Nav, so I did. She was very insistent and I didn't know any better, " explained McThicky.

So off he went in his three wheeled Reliant Robin, crashing across fields, sheep and all sorts of rural things, until he approached the impassable edifice of Scotland's tallest mountain. "The pass seemed impassable, I thought, but what the hell, Ms Sat Nav insisted, increasingly loudly that I should do it. So I did!"

But half way up a sheer rock face, the track ran out and the three-wheeler got stuck - vertical. By a chance in a million, though, McThicky came to a halt just alongside a stranded rock climber. Together they called the mountain rescue on McThicky's mobile phone and within an hour helicopters were scrambled and they were winched to safety. By McThicky's misfortune the climber Hamish McAmish had been saved.

Sadly the Highland's mountain rescue do not have a heavy lifting Chinook 'copter at their disposal and the threewheeler and the Sat Nav are still stuck on the side of the mountain. McThicky is rueful, "I miss her, even if she's no great improvement on the wife as far as navigation is concerned." Climber McAmish was also wistful, "it's a shame because that three-wheeler could save lives when its equipped with such badly calibrated gear." But Flight Lieutenant McSpreader of RAF Auchtermuchternauchie merely said, "People who wander into the mountains should be well equippped and a Sat Nav and a three wheeler are not that."

Ministers were unsure which side of the fence to sit; but being MSPs, with their fancy new bamboo windows, should choose the inside - only they can''t cus the steelwork collapsed - just like another great construction I daren't name that's based in Wembley. Ministers just hid.

Short Term Mammary Loss

An Oxfordshire lady had an appalling experience yesterday, local newswires fictate. Mrs Doris Globes of Didcot woke to find that her breasts had gone. "I was in bits," she cried to local reporter Don Oxon, "I was sure they were there when I went to bed and I was convinced we'd been burgled in the night."

"I looked everywhere, the fridge, the sideboard, even in the bathroom but my breasts were gone." A doctor was called in an emergency and after a good couple of hours he was relieved to solve the enigma.

Dr Oktar said, "We'd been looking all over the house when by chance I opened the wheelie bin and found them there. Apparently Mrs Globes had thrown them out with some cheese that had gone past the sell-by date."

Mrs Globes was mightily relieved to get her breasts back. "It was such a joy. My husband and I love chicken quarters and we'd hoped to roast them for supper. It is pleasing to find that it was an honest mistake. I was so sure I'd left them out on the draining board, I was beginning to think my memory had gone."

But there was a word of warning from Dr Oktar, "Mrs Globes should remember not to store meat and cheese on the same shelf in the fridge. It's not the hygeine I'm worried about though, it's the danger that this could happen again when one is out of code and both end up in the trash by mistake. Cheese and meat have very different shelf lives."

Mrs Globes was suitably admonished. Ministers said they were pleased at the happy outcome and held a photo opportunity.

Carbon Emissions To Be Controlled With Less Veg

Numbers made up today by the Office of Notional Statistics claim that over 100% of all greenhouse gasses come from our own selves which was alarming. Spokesman for the ONS statisticated, "At the present rate of global alarming we'll be smelting iron in the open air by Christmas. This new discovery we have created shows that we need to modify our diets and reduce fibre intake."

Ministers were quick to join this ridiculous chorus. "Beans, Peas and Broccoli are all banned with immediate effect."

But Euro-Sceptics were sceptical. "It's an EU conspiracy. The worst offender is Brussels," they sprouted.

Ministers advised that the advice to eat Five Portions (of Fruit and Veg) a Day would be rescinded and replaced with a clear directive. "Stay In, Switch On, Crank Up and Stuff" referring to the new health and eco-friendly rules of staying at home, switching on a lot of lights and TVs, winding up the central heating and stuffing yourself with chips and portions of chicken kiev. "Remember kids," the minister continued, "When it comes to saving polar bears and penguins, better a lard arse than a trumpet major!"

Nuclear Plants in Controlled Explosion Programme

Slow-witted ministers today advised that they now understand the full meaning of Einsteins famous equation E=mc2. "Apparently this formula describes the process of converting mass into energy and as leading GCSE students have advised us, it is the process by which we generate electricity," said one minister.

This discovery led to a rush by Lord Chancellor Henry Invoice to consult his legal books and he was shocked to find that power stations contravened UN Law 251 Abolition of Mass Destruction - (Instruments for the purposes thereof). He explained that for nearly sixty years since Calder Hall came on stream the UK had been flouting World Laws. "These nuclear plants are destroying mass and turning it into energy every minute of every day," he elaborated.

Ministers have now ordered all power plants to be blown up in a series of controlled explosions with immediate effect. A minister explained the process. "It's easy, all you need to do is lift the graphite moderator rods out of the reactor and pull the drain plug. That should have them dismantled in a controlled way in next to no time," he said acknowledging the extensive research done by his eight-year old son on the internet. "We already have a perfect model for rapid deactivation with what's known in the nuclear trade as the Chernobyl Protocol. That was a fine demonstration of how to shut down a reactor quickly with almost no collateral damage I think," he thought.

Head Boiling a New Crime

A new crime passed onto the statute books today - that of head boiling. Home Secretary, Carlos T Jackal explained, "This is sadly an inevitable consequence of our slightly less than satisfactory education policy. When we called for a more literal society we meant that we wanted people to read a bit more, but instead people are learning to take things at face value too much. Literally, literally."

The bill will enable police to arrest anyone heard shouting, "Go and boil your head" because it is believed far too many people actually are popping their bonces into a pan on the stove.

Jackal pomped further, "The bill extends the incitement laws, as such a phrase is clearly incitement to harm. And furthermore it glorifies the process of using dangerous substances like hot water for malicious purposes. As an extra measure, we are intending to launch a kettle amnesty next week during which people can hand over these deadly weapons without fear of over-prosecution."

Death for Flyers

Publicly funded overstaffed busy-body organisation - Campaign for Green Issues and Cutting Out Middle-Men - (CaGIsCOMM) moaned again today. "It's a national disgrace!"

This time they want regulations for flybills. These papers might typically advertise local services like hairdressers, chip shops, courgette suppliers or badger gassers and are inserted under windscreen wipers in Sainsbury's car parks.

Leading CaGIsCOMM irritant, Bessy Bossy, explained in her usual way, "It's a national disgrace! In a strong wind some of these sheets can work loose and blow around the place rather than being neatly recycled." Assistant, Hector Ring added, "Flysheets are the absolute bottom of the heap when it comes to recycling with almost 3% failing to make it back to a repulping plant. We are calling for new regulations for flysheet advertisers to simply collect their box of printing and dump it straight into a suitable recycling bin - cutting out the middle man."

Green Minister, Jacques Vert, broke off from his conference with a pine plantation to say that this was the most interesting thing he'd heard all week.

Near Death for Fliers

An aeroplane landed at Heathrow nearly killing literally millions, thousands and perhaps hundreds of passengers in a terrifying incident. The British Airways 747 jet still loaded with almost a few gallons of viciously explosive kerosene travelling from very busy New York’s JFK airport to equally busy Heathrow, both in the world’s top five, was close to disaster as it limped hopelessly in to land in London.

This Newspapers Expert on Nerve Management said, “The plane was that close to disaster. It had circled London several times and come into land with much lower fuel than it took off and had the landing gear stuck or the pilot had a seizure and the flight computers gone mad and the fly-by-wire equipment had a brainstorm and the co-pilot accidentally jumped out, all hell of an accident could have occurred. It was that close.”

If the plane had landed in the normal West direction, have scudded off the runway, quickly been whirled in a U-turn by a freak whirlwind and continued to machete it’s way through Herts, Essex and Suffolk until it took the top clean off Sizewell B, then they and half of Southern Britain would be dead in a disastrous catastrophe. We were that close!

A spokesman for BA said that flying in the London stack and the landing had been normal although high winds may have made the touchdown a little more bumpy than normal.

Oh yeh? Normal?.” I was on it mate and the fucker bounced, I tell you”, said journalist, Me. Watch it next time. Not that my hands leak like Thames Water pipes when I fly or anything.

Vegetable Sues Fruit

Apple Corporation, eponymous inventor of the ubiquitous MP3 player, and sometime maker of stylish PCs no one except arty designers buy, is in the courts again. Apple is being litigated against by Paul MacCartney and…a vegetable in a three way battle.

Spokesman for the legumes at the Old Bailey, Mr Kelevedon Wonder says, “It’s alright for Mr So-Called McCartney trying to unload Apple’s largesse into his pockets by nicking the Apple logo/name whatever, but Apple wasn’t worth a flipping sou until it stole our brand, the pod. Peas like us have been making pods for longer than you’ve had hot dinners, Mr Steve So-called Jobs So-called Mr Mac So-called Cartney.”

Lawyers rubbed their hands as Heironymous Bean and Doris Okra chucked their intellectual property hats into the ring. “Oi”, they shouted, “What about us, we’ve just as much a claim to the pod as the pea.” An altercation ensued outside the courts until PC Spud arrived. There followed a terrible hash up and all anyone could do was burble and squeak.

Forget Carnal Knowledge – Here’s Charnel Knowledge

MPs have been decrying that the birth rate is too high because every child sooner or later becomes a non-productive pensioner. The current lingo around the house of commons “Silver-haired bastard” owes nothing to the worrying decline in marriage filtering though the system, but because the “bed-blocking” generation “do nothing but cost us money and votes”.

Children are to be viewed not as having potential, but as being potential drains of State finances and are soon to be banned altogether.

But so as not to quell our libidos totally, not least because bromide tablet prices have rocketed, State charnel houses are to be set up. Male charnelists are to be neutered totally to ensure a satisfactory (or indeed totally unsatisfactory) outcome. Females will be plied with after-shift gin by the bucket load.

Said minister for Department of Pensions, “Within a generation we will solve the pensions crisis with our new measures. We will provide State controlled brothels, and if that doesn’t appeal we will ensure reproduction is curtailed in women with the Vagi-bung and with an operation on men called the Vas-Constrictor. Pension fund deficits are caused by us breeding too many deferred superannuitants. We will tackle the problem by plugging the black holes and by strangling the pipeline.”

Pop Record Iz Grate: by a Generic Arthouse Pop Journo

I toked up on a spliff of fresh Hi-Strengf Weasel Skunk Stoat weed and weaved into the Airy Fairy Studios where new rock sensations, The Four Twats, were tuning up. In the engineers room I just saw buttons, knobs and sliders, acres of the malignant little imps staring up at me each with their evil little mono-eye.

I bashed the side of my head twice, willing my eyes to bring all four images into focus and accepted, twice, a cup of double strength Kenco, The first one had a life of its own. Steve the engineer screamed at me as I screamed at Ken and Co. “That coffee’s bloody alive,” I raged, “its jumped outta my hand and fucked up my cords.” He said something about my yelling doing the same for the band.

Plangent drone and caffeine (super strength) knocked some sense into my hazy brain. “Fuck me Dave, I’m well Jeezed. Thank fuckety dooh fucking dah for Maxwell fucking Café or I’d be climbing the fucking walls.” The engineer shushed me, “Stop shouting, and bloody sober up. The band are out in a minute. And it’s not Dave, it’s Steve.” Fucking ooooh-lala.

The band were laying down an industrial wasteland of badly tuned guitar noise. None of them could play and that was their cache. Neo-neo. This was pop eating it’s own fucking arse. I was down to base camp and found we had a vending machine at our disposal. I mashed the living hell out of two cans of Red Bull and fucking added a Lucozade Sport to ramp up the strength. “I’m touring on planet Taurine, MoFo Stevie babe.” He looked at me. Said fuck all. “Cat got your arsing rock and roll tongue? You must be on some one-hell of a stuff,” I impressed upon him.

I’d been bouncing around that studio for a hour, and Steve said, “This is the worst band I ever had the misfortune to record. But that’s the lot of a one-man-band so to speak studio and these rich kids dads think they are all gifted musicians when the drummer was trained on saucepans by the butler, the bassist is a specky physicist who thinks strings are something to do with space and the guitarist got chucked out of recorder lesson at the age of eight.” Rock and Roll. Cooler than Kelvin. Give the Twats a hotel room and they wouldn’t so much as smash up the room as demolish the whole damned establishment, I reck-on. “Yeh,” says Steve, “and get their dads to put up a Waitrose on it.”

The Twats are so counter-establishment-revolutionarianism I never did speak to Aston Bender the flop-haired vocalist; but if I’d had, I’d have asked, “What makes you cooler than a well fridged cucumber sarnie? Is it coz you’s downloads only?” And he’d have bound to replied, “Because you spotty little oik are going to write the best review of us ever.”

I tell you what? The Twats are going to be massive. Ginormously Huge-ific. If they ever get a record together. Jeez I’m hungry. I need another super strength Kestrel and a KFC and I need it now. Ah, fuck it, a bucket. One way or another, or another.

France Burned by Pension Providers

An unruly band of insurers have gone on a huge pyromaniacal rampage through France. Armies of unhinged men in pinstripe suits are systematically torching garlic plantations throughout the Ardeche and Provence.

Brigand Leader (Risk Management), Simon Safe, screamed at me, “Have you just read the news? Technically we’re insolvent unless we burn these bastard bulbs.” Other underwriters waved placards demanding Hoof the Cloves and Adios Alliums.

French Farming Minister, Zoot Alors, retorted, “Zees mad Rosbifs. Zey sink we ‘ave une monopoly on garlic, just because nous smellons a leettle beet oniony.” He insisted though that he was above petty Cross-Channel word-wars saying, “Anyway, who won the seeks nashons championship?”

Gargle With Garlic and Live Forever

Scientists have somehow generated statistics that suggest vaguely of a correlation between a daily oral swill of garlic juice and eternal life. Dr Oktar of the New Labs Statistics Bureau explained that tests in Israel on Messrs Moses and Methuselah of the new treatment had proved promising in extending life. Even better news is that it may even allow reincarnation to occur. “We found this body in a cave stone dead. With a quick waft of the garlic elixir we had him up and running for a short while but the formula wasn’t quite right. The patient, Mr J Christ, had started to feel faint again, but in his last days indicated that he hoped for a proper second coming.”

Critics were quick to point out potential flaws in the study. One such killjoy, Professor Cy Nick, suggested that the statistical study was poor and had failed to rule out extraneous factors which could be equally, if not more, important in the extension to life. “There is just as much evidence that an absence of discourse or social contact can reduce mortality and garlic is strongly correlated with both of those things. The same result could be achieved if we all went to the Isle of Arran, put on a big sweater and sat in a cave.”

University Gets New Extension

The University of Thurrock (Lakeside) has suffered for years because of inadequate facilities, lacking a world class particle accelerator cyclotron, a leading gene slicing laboratory and a high tension lightning chamber like every other university.

The new extension will not solve these problems but it will allow the university more time to sign up its first student. Principal David Bockham explained that universities were suffering from both a lack of facilities and a lack of students. There are now 19.7 million universities in Britain which is nearly three per student. Hearing from the Education minister about the clemency Bockham cheered, “This is marvellous news as it will mean that we may get our first student sometime soon and won’t have to close. Bit of a pisser over the cyclotron though.”

The UoT specialises in popular modern degree courses in Retail Therapy and Credit Card Debt Counselling. It has never offered courses in Physics or Biology as they are proving too challenging for students and therefore a complete waste of time.

New Fungus Discovered

A new breed of fungus has been discovered by scientists in Borneo. Despite the fact that so many species of flora and fauna remain undiscovered in the jungle, this is the first to be found for 4.5 million years and the boffins are bloody well ecstatic.

Dr Oktar leading the expedition held us spellbound with his story of how he and his team had spotted the new mushroom but that it had been guarded by the last group of Orang Utans. “So, what do you think we did?” he asked. “We shot the damned monkey scum as they were blocking this great self-advancement”.

Apparently the new toadstool is much like all the others. It’s not even poisonous.

Home Office to become Home Office and Ministry of Nice Men in Blue (with fluorescent jackets) and Very Gentle Bollockings

The Home Office is to be given a radical new makeover in a budget busting rebranding exercise. Apparently the term Home Office has a low recognition register rating with the public, according to a singly attended focus group I went to. “No-one seems to know what we are here for,” said Home Secretary Carlos T Jackal, “So we’ve dumbed it up like all the other ministries. Take the merger of the two ministries, formerly Employment and Social Security, that’s a bloody gobful isn’t it, eight flipping syllables. Much more succinct to call it Work and Pensions, cutting syllabic red tape down by 8/3rds. If I may be so vulgar.”

As a result of sophisticated psychoanalytical studies, sophisticated psychoanalytical consultants are suggesting a similar change to reflect the nature of the work of the Home ministry. Babbling clown, Professor I C Inside of the University of Looe explained that the job of the Home Office was to administer the police and justice. But the first draft name; the Ministry of Flatfoots and Beatings had proved unpopular with the police and factually inaccurate because corporal punishment had long been abolished. Fuirthermore it was not in keeping with the modern softer approach to dealing with violent murderers, drug runners, gun toters and muggers.

“It was a difficult balancing act,” the Professor was told to say, “on the one hand justice has to been seen to be tough, so “Slight Telling Off and a £25 Music Token for Your Efforts” was in danger of undermining public confidence that the government are very, very, very tough on crime, but on the other “Nailing The Bastards” was clearly far too unfriendly. So we selected a beautiful compromise.”

In a further surprise move, Copz n Courts Secretary Jackal announced that the new ministry would indeed still be a sort of home office as he was moving his own part of the department to his back bedroom. Jackal scowlingly explained in a surprisingly candid moment, “I’m right hacked off with the commute, and the eight quid a day Congestion Tax and this move will allow me to get more done without any loss of professionalism”. Mr Jackal also requested that the interview held outside his house be terminated as the wind was whistling though his pyjamas.

Britain Short-Legged

It’s official! Britain is short of legs. The official average computed by the official Average Calculators says the average in Britain is 1.99 legs leaving us all slightly short.

This comes as a severe blow to the plans of trouser, sock and shoe manufacturers. And EU rules insist that school sports days will be changed forever with the 2.98 legged-race. Officious Belgian, Marcel Arsel insists that EU rules on rounding which would allow the former traditional name to be retained are not allowed in this instance. “Rounding is only allowed in accounting matters,” parlezed M. Arsel.

“Nous Preferez 2.98 rather that 3.00 as it reflects the importance of disability in society,” he went on, And on.

Tennis Star Arrested

Young British tennis ace, Shane Woollenshears 18, was today arrested by police for cruelty to animals. This had followed an extensive investigation involving a crack team of thousands of officers over the course of twenty years. DI Mink spoke for the Metropolitan Police. He would.

“Mr Woollenshears appears to have been proceeding with a first round match at Wimbledon against an opponent when his racket string broke. He was then seen to disembowel an item of a feline persuasion he had stowed about his kit bag, and to use its intestines to repair his broken equipment.”

Speaking in his defence, lawyer, Hugh Menrites said, “My client is a simple soul and didn’t seem to understand that modern tennis rackets are strung with synthetic cat gut. This is a travesty of justice, blah, blah. Here’s my invoice.”

Mr Woollenshears will have to be tried and imprisoned. My editor says imprisoned only if he’s guilty, which he damned well is. Britain isn’t worried though because although we were happy to endorse Mr Woollenshears for the recent Davis Cup match, he’s not really British is he? I mean he was born in Australia and only came here because he wasn’t good enough there.

National MPs Truth Day

Yesterday was national truth day for politicians. MPs were being urged by pressure group Truth Out or Shut Up to stop feeding us a daily die of whoppers and fess up. MPs had been very much in opposition to the instigation of this new “National” day and had first asked for it to be deferred and then tried to introduce a variety of other “National” days to coincide;

National Ex-ees day – involving crossed fingers
National no political press conferences day
National this is the only National day on this day and all others are banned day

Unfortunately they were unable to organise any of these in time because they had been working on clearing up the aftermath of the previous day’s failed event at the brewery. The Truth Day was held.

MPs clammed up in general, but one did break the overwhelming noise of silence. The member for Ecclesthwaiteington spoke to us. “Yes I agree, everything we have spent money on is a complete waste, universally failed and not a lot of good. Crime and unemployment are up, NHS treatments and education standards are down and MPs brain activity remains static. But look on the bright side, tomorrow is another day, and things will be spinning around back to normal.”

“It’s like getting a cork into a pint pot!”, by our novice 16 yr old reporter Shane Nobrane.

Local parking restrictions are being imposed in our town centre restricting vehicle size in High Street parking bays. Posh townspeople with big cars with all the wheels going round at the same time (forby fours – are they?) are up in arms over this infringement of their civil liberties. Lady Fartington-Shooting-Brake stood by her unparked Range Rover tutting furiously. “How is one to pop into the butchers for my normal half a score of quails eggs with these parking fascists refusing to let me block up the road with my huge motor?”

Councillor Pete T Pooper responded, “The simple fact is that our high street is very narrow and if one of these cars is parked up, it is impossible for farmers to get their tractors through or lorry drivers to get their artics along it. As you know they prefer to use the high street rather than the by-pass because that is such a long way round and what with the price of fuel these days. You simply cannot drive these four by fours up our tiny streets.” Then he added, “its like trying to get a cork into a pint pot.” Or so I thought I heard him add.

Lady Forced Abroad For Treatment

Today a lady suffering from MS arrived back from Latvia or somewhere, having visited a private treatment clinic for revolutionary sten cil treatment. Mrs Warmly said she had had to go abroad for this treatment as it was unavailable on the NHS and it had cost her money.

A spokesman for the NHS said that sten cil treatment was little understood and there were no clinical results available to assess the merits of public funding. “I’ve never actually heard of it,” admitted Dr Oktar , “but its on the internet so it must be true.” He also wondered if it had been merely propagated by a deaf blogger who had misheard.

But Mrs Warmly was adamant of the benefits. The sten cils are painted onto the affected area using a template and emulsion. I like Apple Magnolia the best. She was then able to lift her blouse and show me a collage of butterfly motifs. Lovely, I said.