Man Turns Into Haggis

Climber Angus McFungus was found alive and well on Ben Macdui today by mountain rescue teams who had been called out when relatives of McFungus, 62, reported him missing. Rescuers found him on a ledge 3000ft up, lying down like a small haggis. Apparently he had become trapped by bad weather and had to survive by eating himself. All that remained was a huge stomach into which he had disappeared

The elderly climbing enthusiast was said to be recovering from his two week ordeal in an intensive care chill cabinet at the Inverness branch of Waitrose, but was unable to comment. Rescuers were said to be slightly irritated that they had put their own lives at risk saving Mr McFungus, at times flying helicopters dangerously close to perilous escarpments, and Mr McFungus was yet to express gratitude.

Pilot Gordon McStewart said, "It was a dangerous mission, but we have yet to hear a peep out of the ungrateful, sorry unlucky, old fool." But wireman Stewart McGordon was more sanguine, "Well, Ok fair enough he hasn't felt it worth acknowledging the millions of pounds of taxpayers money spent on the operation, but this was highly unusual and undoubtedly we'll all be dining out on Mr McFungus for months."