New Particle Found - By our science writer L Bert Onestone

Scientists at leading cyclotron laboratories somewhere underground in middle England have found a particle. Apparently there was quite a lot of serendipity involved. Project Speck co-ordinator, Dr Dott explained, "we have been bombarding heavy elements with fast neutrons for several years in attempt to find a new sub-atomic particle for our own self-gratification."This project has cost the tax-payer a heck of a lot of money but Dott was pleased that it had resulted in a major find.

The new particle, the lens-on, wasn't actually detected by the magnetic spectrometer devices in the sub-terranean collider, but was found lying about on the control room floor. "We'd been groping about in the dark for quite a while, on our hands and knees when we just found it. The rest of the team were pleased but I was especially delighted. I must have popped it out when I rubbed my eye and I couldn't see hardly at all before the lens-on was found."

But amidst the scientific celebrations, buckets of heavy water were poured on the find by Fred Mean, leader of the Taxpayer's Convention. "This is a feeble attempt to justify a lot of wasted cash that could be wasted elsewhere," he moaned.

Ministers weren't sure which side to back on this one and spent an hour looking for a fence to sit on.