Home Secretary Vows to Carry on With More of The Same

The new Home Secretary, Dr Fido "Snapper" Reed, told us that his new year's resolutions would be to get more exercise, and to give us more of the same in 2007.

Dr Reed said that although he was fit for purpose, he didn't want to rely on a double negative to fulfil that pledge. He said that although he was not fit, he didn't have a purpose either. By getting fit, he hoped that this might spur him on to finding a purpose.

In the meantime, he vowed that Home Offices services would carry on just as before. "There will be absolutely and categorically no dimishment in Immigration," he said and promised that policing would be very much more ineffective this year and there would be undoubtedly a marked rise in miscarriages of justice and appeals. "Everything is on the up," he said, "Except me of course because I'm not standing for the impending leadership contest."

Opposition Home Affairs spokesman pooh poohed the promises. "He's only doing more exercises so he can go on his holiday to the Sealife Centre in Hull. He wants to be fit for porpoises. And he's acknowledged he's getting on a bit, because Fido says, he's no longer fit for puppies. As for Law and Order, the justice system is so corrupt, it is only fit for perjurors." He then left me and sat down at Costa Coffe to enjoy a currant pun.