Carbon Emissions To Be Controlled With Less Veg

Numbers made up today by the Office of Notional Statistics claim that over 100% of all greenhouse gasses come from our own selves which was alarming. Spokesman for the ONS statisticated, "At the present rate of global alarming we'll be smelting iron in the open air by Christmas. This new discovery we have created shows that we need to modify our diets and reduce fibre intake."

Ministers were quick to join this ridiculous chorus. "Beans, Peas and Broccoli are all banned with immediate effect."

But Euro-Sceptics were sceptical. "It's an EU conspiracy. The worst offender is Brussels," they sprouted.

Ministers advised that the advice to eat Five Portions (of Fruit and Veg) a Day would be rescinded and replaced with a clear directive. "Stay In, Switch On, Crank Up and Stuff" referring to the new health and eco-friendly rules of staying at home, switching on a lot of lights and TVs, winding up the central heating and stuffing yourself with chips and portions of chicken kiev. "Remember kids," the minister continued, "When it comes to saving polar bears and penguins, better a lard arse than a trumpet major!"