Motoring Column with Rod Rage

Learner drivers! What are they for? Eh? Holding up the bleedin' traffic. Bloody Disgrace.

These dawdling losers, note "L" for losers, just get in the way and make me use valuable electric 'onking me 'orn. One bastard stalled his motor and I flattened me battery just blasting away on the old 'orn for ten minutes.

"L" plates eh? They should rename them "Drive L" plates. They should have one of them "Ring 0800 numbers if I'm driving badly." I'd be on the blower all the way up the M bleedin' 6 getting the buggers off the road.

Oi? What are you shoutin' at me? What? I was once a learner? No way sunshine. I was a born bleedin' driver me. Straight out of the womb and into me motor. A natural I am, steering with just one hand and picking me nose wi' the other. That ain't learned, that is inbuilt talent.

Oi? You tosser, cutting me up like that. Swivel on this. And you madam. What are you on about? Me, dangerous? I don't think, lady. There ain't no law about composing a newspaper column on a laptop at 100mph. Hand yer fackin' licence immediately before I call the fuzz.

July 17th - Silly Season Opens

Like August 12th, when grouse shooting starts, 17th July marks the annual opening of silly season. This year is expected to be a bumper year, what with all the heat and everything driving us all nuts.

Schools have broken up an the Governments Spin Machine has been unplugged. Recurring reannouncements of the same old deferred initiatives which are yet to come into effect have ceased to be released. This combination of events produces the same rash of headaches amongst newspaper editors every year and the same nausea amongst readers. Made Up News readership rises dramatically and we have to start litigating furiously when newspaper proprietors have to choose between printing have a dozen blank pages or lifting all our news items to fill the space. During July and August, Made Up News leads the way in making the news.

As usual we are first to the spot for "80 year old Devonian swims the Atlantic - twice - in half an hour", our exclusive "Queen's Chip Pan blamed for Windsor Castle Inferno" and our top scoop, "Tom Cat Pees on Itself to Ward Off Hoodie Gangs."

Yes...for six glorious weeks, you can read nothing but made up rubbish in all newspapers. At least its more entertaining than the rubbish made up by politicians for the other forty six weeks.

Rare Postage Stamp Discovered

A rare 29p postage stamp has been found by a mail worker in Leeds. The lucky finder, Mr Tim Gleeful, of Bingley said that he was rifling though some old drawers and just found it. "It was like finding a credit card in a letter in the sorting office," he said.

The stamp, which was once used for sending letters, first class up to 100g in weight, is still legal tender. However, it is not in common usage since the new post size regulations were introduced. The old 29p stamp can only be used for postcards weighing less than 1g and no greater than the size of a postage stamp.

Mr Gleeful planned to auction the stamp off on eBay, with a reserve price of 28p and hoped that it might find it's way into the hands of a collector.

Large Man Declared Unsafe

Today Health and Safety Executives slapped a condemned notice on a large man at the centre of Government who was declared unfit for purpose. The H&S people said that the large man was unfit and falling to pieces and was no longer safe.

But defendents of the large man said that although the large man was falling to bits and a bit of a disgrace to the community, he still had lots to offer. Allegations that he was unsafe, especially for office parties were exaggerated.

The investigations continue, but it seems the natural downfall of the large man is inevitable.

Film reviews: Supermum Returns

Cheery Cherry Blur returns as the eponymous superhero, Supermum. Last time out, as filmgoers may recall, tearful Blur's cover as a modest human rights lawyer at Mattress "Our Daily Fees Are on Another Planet" Chambers was blown when she became distracted and dropped all the balls. Her parting cry being "I'm no Supermum."

Now, She's back. Set a seemingly impossible task of flitting around the Earth collecting up a trail of timed explosives disguised as freebies, Supermum, must trouser all the goodies whilst mopping up the post exam sick of her teenage son. Lex Luther is astonishing in his role as the evil villian Silvio Tuscanvillasconi.

Blur was in trouble for charging for her appearances at worldwide opening nights but has been astonished at the recpetions she got by thousands of hundreds of tens of a person who was press-ganged into the premiere viewing. The lucky first viewer, Mrs Eileen Wapshott, from Oxshott, said, "I'm glad I brought my wool and needles along."

A further sequel is planned, in which Supermum tackles evil Lord Cashpoint who is alleged to have sold Lordships for Loot, Baronetcies for Bunce and Wigs for Wonga. The makers say that trying to find the villian is like looking for a PIN number in a haystack, but if anyone can succeed, Supermum can.

Stats Body Privatised

The Institute of National Statistics have long been criticised for being a waste of public money because their output is so variable and misleading. Some days they can say that unemployment is both rising and falling depending on the way you look at it. The Opposition had called for them to be privatised and to find new revenue streams (something the Chancellor has been requesting for years). Well, now they have.

The INS's first venture is to design car dashboards and the dials mounted therein. The new INS speedometer no longer gives a point value for your spped but more helpfully gives a range. "I am 95% confident you are travelling between 50 and 70mph" it will helpfully advise. "Your fuel tank could be rising or falling depending on whether you turn to the right or left" is another which confirms what we have all seen when the tank is low. The Rev Counter will be renamed the Indutrial Output Meter and the Temperature Gauge will be the Ecomonic Indicator. In the event of overheating, the driver is warned to put on the brakes or there will be a danger of run away radiator inflation.

Road Ministers are delighted. Said Traffic Spokesman, Gareth Gatso, "these new motoring instruments are so vague we are bound to increase revenue from speeding tickets and roadside cameras."

Car Crime Down Up

Apparently the theives have returned my stereo - with a post-it note stuck on saying "this Ford radio looks too cheap in the Aston Martin we've just nicked, so we are returning it for a refund. That's £500 you owe us and we'll be round with baseball bats, guns etc in the morning to collect"

Two Cures for Water Shortages Proposed

Following the prolonged drought in the South East of England, there have become increasing calls for the creation of a National Grid for water. By having a countrywide network of piping, excess water from Yorshire, Wales or even as far afield as Scotland could be pumped to London and the South East where there is a deficit.

Leading experts have tended to pooh-pooh such a scheme because water is very heavy and surprisingly "sticky". In terms of molecular friction, water is far from slippery. The Green lobby and some proper experts have all said that the energy required to pump water hundreds of miles just so some poncey Londoners can keep their lawns looking lush would be very expensive both in terms of money and greenhouse gases produces.

But now two new proposals have been suggested. First comes one from the University of Mansfield sponsored by the Coal Board. They suggest building a network of piping at a depth on 20 miles and to heat water to superheated steam. This steam can then pass through the pipes where geothermal temperatures will maintain it sufficiently long in its gaseous state to get to the South. They suggest using coal fired burners to boil the water - naturally. Although completely mad, ministers are considering it.

The second proposal comes from the ISS2 (or Institute of Superfluid Statistics - see previous article). They maintain that if they can turn the liquid to be pumped through a more practical pipe network, just underground, into a superfluid the energy needed for pumping can be massively reduced. Superfluids have virtually no friction. However, they say the major drawback is that the only superfluid known so far is liquid helium. Liquid helium is far less effective than water for washing up and can often mean you will get through Fairy liquid at twice the normal rate. And if you consume four litres of fluid a day, as you should to keep the kidney's flushed, there is a high likelihood of talking in a squeaky voice. All small beer though for a decent lawn.

Car Crime Up Up

A comprehensive study by the Institute of Supuerfluous Studies (ISS) revealed a shocking truth today. It has long been suspected that the phenomenon of "media inflation" - so long just a theory - could be a reality that blights our lives. Now we are being told the truth.

Not only is car crime up, but mentions of car crime being up is also up. This is not just a rise dinner table tittle tattle of the chattering classes but a rise in the underlying index within the media. The headline index shows a rate of media inflation of 2.7%.

Home office ministers were highly concerned. A spokesman said that it is this Government's aim to keep media inflation low, especially on the areas of crime and other bad things, and in turn that would allow interest rates of readers also to fall. They looked forward to the day they would see a headline such as "car crime up down".

If anyone is interested, I had my stereo nicked last night.