Film reviews: The Hardboard Man

A girl mysteriously disappears and Sergeant Neil Down (played by Chip Boardboard) is sent from the west country to visit the scene of her disappearance, Swedish island of SummerIkea. Down is a devout DIY-er and is increasingly disturbed at the behaviour of the islanders and the number of unassembled flatpacks. He is particularly worried about the alluring Willow-Pattern, a beautiful girl (played by Morna McDougall) who tried to seduce him by saying, "bring your tools big boy, and show me your best screwing action."

Suspecting that the young girl has been sacrificed in a strange pagan ritual, he disguised himself as a carpenter to attend their May Day celebrations. But he finds himself lured inside a half erected cupboard and before he can get out, the islanders screw on the remaining panels and he is left trapped inside. The girls is revealed to be alive and fittingly gives the last grub screw its final locking turn.

As Lord SummerIkea, villainous Allen Keye gives a stunning performance alongside Boardboard in this low budget thriller. And as the strapline says, "Screws to Screw, Hinges to Hinge, Don't build the Hardboard Man from the outside in."