Drinking and Swimming bad for health, medics warn.

Following an alarming rise in incidents involving young drunken men being goaded into swimming in city centre rivers adjacent to night clubs at 4am after heavy drinking, the British Medical Numpties have decided to restate the obvious. Many cities have seen sharp rises in mortality arising from people attempting to swim home.

Dr Oktar warns, "swimming after ten pints is extremely hazardous. It all comes down to the blood being concentrated in the stomach rather than the muscles. We all know that swimming after a meal is a bad idea, well, the same goes for drinking alcohol." Medics advise that after heavy drinking, revellers should choose a more sensible way of getting home. "I suggest something far less exertive - driving would seem the most appropriate."

But critics have pointed out that rise in deaths from drink-swimming has nothing to to with gut-cramping but simply caused by being incoherent and unable to control the limbs. Apparently, they say, that is what happens under the influence of too much alcohol on land as well. Doctors responded, "Is it? Crumbs."