Milk Shortage Will Only Benefit Strawberries

In recent months, the milk shortage has caused all sorts of worries amongst housewives. Dairy operators are suggesting rationing and even metering. Big milk users like cheese makers are worried that milk will be diverted away from commercial businesses to help the hard pressed homeowner. "It's a disaster," said milk producer Mr Giles Farmer," two bad years of housebuilding has used up all the pasture and we are now at an all time shortage of milk. It's been particularly bad in the south east of England."

But the news wasn't all bad. Strawberry growers were celebrating. "As all the milk's evaporated, it'll be good news for us. Evaporated milk is delicious with strawberries but absolutely horrible in tea."

Home Secretary Vows to Carry on With More of The Same

The new Home Secretary, Dr Fido "Snapper" Reed, told us that his new year's resolutions would be to get more exercise, and to give us more of the same in 2007.

Dr Reed said that although he was fit for purpose, he didn't want to rely on a double negative to fulfil that pledge. He said that although he was not fit, he didn't have a purpose either. By getting fit, he hoped that this might spur him on to finding a purpose.

In the meantime, he vowed that Home Offices services would carry on just as before. "There will be absolutely and categorically no dimishment in Immigration," he said and promised that policing would be very much more ineffective this year and there would be undoubtedly a marked rise in miscarriages of justice and appeals. "Everything is on the up," he said, "Except me of course because I'm not standing for the impending leadership contest."

Opposition Home Affairs spokesman pooh poohed the promises. "He's only doing more exercises so he can go on his holiday to the Sealife Centre in Hull. He wants to be fit for porpoises. And he's acknowledged he's getting on a bit, because Fido says, he's no longer fit for puppies. As for Law and Order, the justice system is so corrupt, it is only fit for perjurors." He then left me and sat down at Costa Coffe to enjoy a currant pun.

Man Marries Cement Mixer

A man from Staffordshire today was joined in matrimony in a new civil partnership. The building site he was working on was issued with a licence for the ceremony so that Mr Gary Gypsum was able to marry the cement mixer, a MultiTurner 500, during his tea break so that he was able to continue his bricklaying after the service. His gangmates joined him and the foreman Mr Eric Shunn conducted the service under council supervision.

Mr Gypsum shunned a relationship with a woman or another man, claiming that no one gave him the undying attention and service than his beloved MultiTurner. "Every morning I fill her up and she turns over completely satisfied," said the happy groom. "Mind you I do have to put up with her incessant chuntering on all day, but that is a small price to pay for all the work I get out of her."

The couple said that they wouldn't be goign abroad for their honeymoon because Mrs Gypsum would have trouble getting through the security arch at Stansted without considerable embarrassment and intend instead to cement their marriage on the Dorset coast where there was plenty of sand and limestone. "It'll be like a home from home," said Mr Gypsum.

Green Taxes For All Pledges Opposition Spokesman

The leader of the opposition, Dave Windmill, today pledged a "raft" of green taxes to conquer global warming. Under an opposition government, it can now be expected that all out movements will be taxed. There will be taxes on flights, taxes on car travel and taxes on sewage.

"We, as a green party who care for the environment intend to increase aircraft fuel duties, tax cars by the mile and to "chip" all of our toilets just like wheelie bins, said Dave whilst hugging a tree on his Webcam. It is proposed that should we produce more than the weekly requisite amount of effluent, then we will receive ASWO's, or Anti-Social Waste Ordures. This will be followed by a planned deluge of paperwork and an invoice for the cost of the excess. The process is planned to be streamlined, with a single excess Ordure penalty requiring only fourteen trees worth of paperwork to impose the additional £10 penalty. It is alos aimed to tax obesity as larger people tend to eat more.

"With our green hats on, we also plan to tackle the present scourge of teenage life, binge drinking. Police will be asked to stand outside nightclubs and pubs on cold wintry Friday and Saturday nights at 4am, waiting to spot people who have had too much to drink. Anyone looking decidedly green will be provided with a bucket and a £75 penalty notice."

But the Government have ridiculed these plans. "Rubbish," said spokesman Peter Plagiarism,"...is what we want to tax too. And cars. And poo. And booze. And we are with our new Motoring tax, Toilet surcharges, Binge Drinking levy and..err.. Obesity chips. That's right want Tyre tax, Toilet Duty, Fine Drinking and Chips for the Obese. Oh yes. We are the party most committed to Waste Taxes"

Delia Dish's Cookery Course

You lot...yes you. You don't have a clue beyond pressing "nuke" for three minutes on the microwave do you. Yes..you lot...they do make lasagne in Italy. And Moussaka in Greece. Properly like. Not in individual plastic tubs you heat in the magic white box. So, realising that we all have lost the art of actually cooking things from raw ingredients, a new series of articles from the doyenne of cookery, Delia Dish, chef, drunken rabble rouser and sometime football manageress.

Boiled Eggy Soldiers.

Two slices of bread
An Egg

1. Boil some water in a pan and put the egg in for four and a half mintes (medium egg) or five minutes (large egg).
2. Put the bread in the toaster.
3. Remove toast, cut crusts off and cut into eight soldiers.
4. Remove egg, put into a cup, remove top and eat by dipping toast into yolk.
5. Shout "I'm the kitchen daddy now Ramsay!"

Boiled Cat with Raisins.

Air rifle
Next door's cat
Raisins (sultanas will do)

1. Sit in bedroom window, and wait
2. Shoot cat
3. Put in a pot. Add a bay leaf
4. Boil for 4 hours
5. Mince, add raisins and put the mixture into a carrier bag
6. Post back through next door's letter box labelled "christmas mincemeat mix"
7. Sigh with relief at the absence of shit on the lawn.

Next week: Serving the perfect pie and gravy to angry football supporters and Jewish favourite, Yom Kipper.

Motoring Column with Rod Rage

Learner drivers! What are they for? Eh? Holding up the bleedin' traffic. Bloody Disgrace.

These dawdling losers, note "L" for losers, just get in the way and make me use valuable electric 'onking me 'orn. One bastard stalled his motor and I flattened me battery just blasting away on the old 'orn for ten minutes.

"L" plates eh? They should rename them "Drive L" plates. They should have one of them "Ring 0800 numbers if I'm driving badly." I'd be on the blower all the way up the M bleedin' 6 getting the buggers off the road.

Oi? What are you shoutin' at me? What? I was once a learner? No way sunshine. I was a born bleedin' driver me. Straight out of the womb and into me motor. A natural I am, steering with just one hand and picking me nose wi' the other. That ain't learned, that is inbuilt talent.

Oi? You tosser, cutting me up like that. Swivel on this. And you madam. What are you on about? Me, dangerous? I don't think, lady. There ain't no law about composing a newspaper column on a laptop at 100mph. Hand yer fackin' licence immediately before I call the fuzz.

July 17th - Silly Season Opens

Like August 12th, when grouse shooting starts, 17th July marks the annual opening of silly season. This year is expected to be a bumper year, what with all the heat and everything driving us all nuts.

Schools have broken up an the Governments Spin Machine has been unplugged. Recurring reannouncements of the same old deferred initiatives which are yet to come into effect have ceased to be released. This combination of events produces the same rash of headaches amongst newspaper editors every year and the same nausea amongst readers. Made Up News readership rises dramatically and we have to start litigating furiously when newspaper proprietors have to choose between printing have a dozen blank pages or lifting all our news items to fill the space. During July and August, Made Up News leads the way in making the news.

As usual we are first to the spot for "80 year old Devonian swims the Atlantic - twice - in half an hour", our exclusive "Queen's Chip Pan blamed for Windsor Castle Inferno" and our top scoop, "Tom Cat Pees on Itself to Ward Off Hoodie Gangs."

Yes...for six glorious weeks, you can read nothing but made up rubbish in all newspapers. At least its more entertaining than the rubbish made up by politicians for the other forty six weeks.

Rare Postage Stamp Discovered

A rare 29p postage stamp has been found by a mail worker in Leeds. The lucky finder, Mr Tim Gleeful, of Bingley said that he was rifling though some old drawers and just found it. "It was like finding a credit card in a letter in the sorting office," he said.

The stamp, which was once used for sending letters, first class up to 100g in weight, is still legal tender. However, it is not in common usage since the new post size regulations were introduced. The old 29p stamp can only be used for postcards weighing less than 1g and no greater than the size of a postage stamp.

Mr Gleeful planned to auction the stamp off on eBay, with a reserve price of 28p and hoped that it might find it's way into the hands of a collector.

Large Man Declared Unsafe

Today Health and Safety Executives slapped a condemned notice on a large man at the centre of Government who was declared unfit for purpose. The H&S people said that the large man was unfit and falling to pieces and was no longer safe.

But defendents of the large man said that although the large man was falling to bits and a bit of a disgrace to the community, he still had lots to offer. Allegations that he was unsafe, especially for office parties were exaggerated.

The investigations continue, but it seems the natural downfall of the large man is inevitable.

Film reviews: Supermum Returns

Cheery Cherry Blur returns as the eponymous superhero, Supermum. Last time out, as filmgoers may recall, tearful Blur's cover as a modest human rights lawyer at Mattress "Our Daily Fees Are on Another Planet" Chambers was blown when she became distracted and dropped all the balls. Her parting cry being "I'm no Supermum."

Now, She's back. Set a seemingly impossible task of flitting around the Earth collecting up a trail of timed explosives disguised as freebies, Supermum, must trouser all the goodies whilst mopping up the post exam sick of her teenage son. Lex Luther is astonishing in his role as the evil villian Silvio Tuscanvillasconi.

Blur was in trouble for charging for her appearances at worldwide opening nights but has been astonished at the recpetions she got by thousands of hundreds of tens of a person who was press-ganged into the premiere viewing. The lucky first viewer, Mrs Eileen Wapshott, from Oxshott, said, "I'm glad I brought my wool and needles along."

A further sequel is planned, in which Supermum tackles evil Lord Cashpoint who is alleged to have sold Lordships for Loot, Baronetcies for Bunce and Wigs for Wonga. The makers say that trying to find the villian is like looking for a PIN number in a haystack, but if anyone can succeed, Supermum can.

Stats Body Privatised

The Institute of National Statistics have long been criticised for being a waste of public money because their output is so variable and misleading. Some days they can say that unemployment is both rising and falling depending on the way you look at it. The Opposition had called for them to be privatised and to find new revenue streams (something the Chancellor has been requesting for years). Well, now they have.

The INS's first venture is to design car dashboards and the dials mounted therein. The new INS speedometer no longer gives a point value for your spped but more helpfully gives a range. "I am 95% confident you are travelling between 50 and 70mph" it will helpfully advise. "Your fuel tank could be rising or falling depending on whether you turn to the right or left" is another which confirms what we have all seen when the tank is low. The Rev Counter will be renamed the Indutrial Output Meter and the Temperature Gauge will be the Ecomonic Indicator. In the event of overheating, the driver is warned to put on the brakes or there will be a danger of run away radiator inflation.

Road Ministers are delighted. Said Traffic Spokesman, Gareth Gatso, "these new motoring instruments are so vague we are bound to increase revenue from speeding tickets and roadside cameras."

Car Crime Down Up

Apparently the theives have returned my stereo - with a post-it note stuck on saying "this Ford radio looks too cheap in the Aston Martin we've just nicked, so we are returning it for a refund. That's £500 you owe us and we'll be round with baseball bats, guns etc in the morning to collect"

Two Cures for Water Shortages Proposed

Following the prolonged drought in the South East of England, there have become increasing calls for the creation of a National Grid for water. By having a countrywide network of piping, excess water from Yorshire, Wales or even as far afield as Scotland could be pumped to London and the South East where there is a deficit.

Leading experts have tended to pooh-pooh such a scheme because water is very heavy and surprisingly "sticky". In terms of molecular friction, water is far from slippery. The Green lobby and some proper experts have all said that the energy required to pump water hundreds of miles just so some poncey Londoners can keep their lawns looking lush would be very expensive both in terms of money and greenhouse gases produces.

But now two new proposals have been suggested. First comes one from the University of Mansfield sponsored by the Coal Board. They suggest building a network of piping at a depth on 20 miles and to heat water to superheated steam. This steam can then pass through the pipes where geothermal temperatures will maintain it sufficiently long in its gaseous state to get to the South. They suggest using coal fired burners to boil the water - naturally. Although completely mad, ministers are considering it.

The second proposal comes from the ISS2 (or Institute of Superfluid Statistics - see previous article). They maintain that if they can turn the liquid to be pumped through a more practical pipe network, just underground, into a superfluid the energy needed for pumping can be massively reduced. Superfluids have virtually no friction. However, they say the major drawback is that the only superfluid known so far is liquid helium. Liquid helium is far less effective than water for washing up and can often mean you will get through Fairy liquid at twice the normal rate. And if you consume four litres of fluid a day, as you should to keep the kidney's flushed, there is a high likelihood of talking in a squeaky voice. All small beer though for a decent lawn.

Car Crime Up Up

A comprehensive study by the Institute of Supuerfluous Studies (ISS) revealed a shocking truth today. It has long been suspected that the phenomenon of "media inflation" - so long just a theory - could be a reality that blights our lives. Now we are being told the truth.

Not only is car crime up, but mentions of car crime being up is also up. This is not just a rise dinner table tittle tattle of the chattering classes but a rise in the underlying index within the media. The headline index shows a rate of media inflation of 2.7%.

Home office ministers were highly concerned. A spokesman said that it is this Government's aim to keep media inflation low, especially on the areas of crime and other bad things, and in turn that would allow interest rates of readers also to fall. They looked forward to the day they would see a headline such as "car crime up down".

If anyone is interested, I had my stereo nicked last night.

Fibonacci Sued Over Series

Courtroom 6 (as normal) of the High Courts was today the scene of a dramatic case. In the defendant's box was a box, one in a somewhat shambolic state of repair containing a Mr Fibonacci of Italy and in the plaintiff's seat was Gary Chavv. Mr Chavv complained that when he'd heard of the Fibonacci Series, he was expecting only a limited number of editions, but because the series was infinite, he was still engaged in reading it. In total, it had consumed several years of his life and was still running. Mr Chavv alleged that he had been conned into an endless sequence.

Mr Fibonacci was generally silent, but his defence lawyer said that he was getting bored with the proceedings and asked for a grant of leave. His lawyer said that he would wish to say, "Hasta La Vista" but being Italian he had to settle with the far less famous "Arrivaderci, bambino".Then the flaky pile of chipboard was whisked away in a black limousine.

The judge deliberates.

Valuable Collection Stolen

A Wakefield man was in tears today after his valuable lard collection was taken by thieves during the night. Lard collector, Ron Suet, said that the burglars must have broken into his garage in the small hours and taken his precious hoard.

"It's a tragedy. I had the world's largest collection of lard, including animal fats from everything from Mongolian yaks to Canadian caribou. My collection included the biggest range of lards from British cattle breeds anywhere in the world, " said Suet in tears.

Police suspect the thieves could be owners of chip shops. A tub of margarine is being offered as a small reward for information that could lead to an arrest.

The extent of the tragedy was undelined when new Home Secretary, Jimmy Attachdog weighed in, "It might only be lard, but this is no half-baked crime. When we get hold of the perpetrators, we will grill them mercilessly and if found guilty we'll send them to Texas and they gonna fry. But this is a diffcult crime to trace. The greasy criminals are bound to be a slippery lot and the chances are they'll simple melt away."

Film reviews: Mission Possible 3

A short man embarks on a CGI adventure, defying odds and supposedly succeeding. Meanwhile explosions and fireballs go off.

Tim Kruse plays the short man, Phil C Hoofman plays the villian but the star of the show is Robert Geek, the man at the helm of a powerful laptop and one heck of a graphic package. To be honest, without his tour de force performance, this film would be a bag of spanners.

Boom, bang, crash, wallop, bang. That is the plot. Except for one subtle twist. They all die failing in a mission which, unlike the title of the film, actually proves impossible.

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LyfeStile: The Secret of Good Skin is Mud - By Style Editor Leonie Lyfe

Mud, mud, glorious mud. Nothing quite like it for...improving your skin tone. Following TV's Jerry Helliwell's surprising discovery of the healing powers of the brown stuff, and a whole list of celeb endorsements, Mud clinics are springing up all over the place. There might be one near you - assuming you live in a fashionable chic neighbourhood that is - and I doubt that.

Helliwell discovered that her skin was surprisingly refreshed after falling into a muddy ditch during a Dutch dike vaulting tournament. "Initially I thought I was just soaking wet and covered in sh*t but after I towelled off I felt so much better. And that was that. The inspiration to start a whole new health fad. I just got some celeb friends to rave madly about it and we were off."

Mud treatments are nothing new, but Helliwell insists that the real secret is in the mud itself. "We use mud dredged by the bucketload from the tidal marches of the River Blackwater at Maldon in Essex." I asked why Maldon? Especially as she'd discovered the secret across the sea in Holland. "Well....Maldon Salt is supposed to be superior and so, I thought, a bit, that the mud from there might be just as good. And...as for the connection with Holland, well my geography teacher said that we are virtually connected to Holland. The Thames estuary is just one massive sand bank and if the sea level dropped just 10 foot, you could walk all the way to the Netherlands. Err...I think that's it."

So, in the interests of a freebie, your intrepid LyfeStile reporter decided to give the magic Essex sludge a go. It does have a bit of a seaweedy aroma, but after an application on my face for half an hour, I was told I looked 30 years younger, and offered a jelly baby by mistake. I must say that once the mud was removed I did feel a lot better.

Sceptics say that it is all mumbo-jumbo, but I'm not so sure. Well a dozen celebs can't be wrong, can they?

Local Sports Shop Wins Award

A small independent sports shop has won a prestigious national award this week. The shop in Reepham a village in Norfolk, called "Rackett Sports" beat off challenges from precisely no challengers for the national Sports Shop That Sells Actual Sports Equipment award held at London's prestigious Trafalgar Square Telephone Box.

Owner, Dennis Rackett, said he was overcome and surprised at receiving the award. He said that his store was the only one that didn't just sell footie shorts, "extreme" clothing and Timberland gear. "You can come into our shop and buy actual cricket bats, squash racquets or even table tennis tables, " he said, "although of course no one ever does. They just come in and get angry when I can't sell them knocked off grey imported England Shirts."

The award is sponsored by FattyBurgaz 'R' Us, the fast food peddler. Spokesman for the chain said he was pleased Mr Rackett could accept the award and that his company was proud to be associated with businesses which promote sport, activity and good health.

He then muttered something about the whole thing being a charade to cover up their guilt over fuelling obesity...caring company...blah, blah. But I may have misheard that.

Major Overhaul for Shopping Centre Urgently Needed

Former Prime Minister calls for Birmingham's famous Bull-Ring shopping centre to be given a face lift.

Sub-editor sacked by leading local newspaper.

Sub-editor given book on punctuation with P.45.

Major: Overhaul for Shopping Centre Urgently Needed. See, I can do it and I'm a humble journalist. Even if I did write that article on Corks and Pints Pots.

....Shane Nobrane (getting better).

Man fined by Trading Standards - But Confused

Courts Again: Today a leading chef Don Literal was fined £1000 by magistrates and told "not to di it again". Literal was left completely confused by the ruling. "I don't know where I stand now," he exasperated.

His story begins when he was previously before the beak on charges of misleading customers. The case was brought by the OFTF, the Office of Fair Trading Fascists, the public body charged with ensuring products supplied to customers as advertised. They complained that his West End restaurant had been selling Welsh Rabbit and his Mock Turtle Soup contained no rabbit, let alone one being from the Principality, nor the soup containing any chelonii, let alone false ones.

So, after a £500 fine, Literal began serving Shepherds Pie with real shepherds in it, and the House Wine was made from fermented roof tiles and bathroom suites. Undercover OFTF agents smelt a rat when one bit into a house brick from the Cottage Pie.

"With this latest ruling, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. They make the rules up as they go along," complained the chef.

Many sheep remian unrounded up on hills.

LyfeStile: School Dinners Need Revising - By Style Editor Leonie Lyfe

The experiment to encourage school children to eat meals made from proper ingredients is past its sell-by date and in an unexpected twizzle of fate, education authorities are reverting back to a non-stop offering of burgers, mechanically removed turkey meat products dripping in saturated fat and chips, chips and more chips.

Although educationalists have complained that children are missing their afternoon lessons, because they are still picking their way through rocket and mizuna leaves at two o'clock or trying to chew their way through tofu and pine nut roast well into double maths; fashionistas point out that the reversal is driven by style. Just like fashion colour schemes, designers have tried every colour under the sun to be "the new black", they always come back to square one in the end.

The same appears to be true with teenage diets. Instead of black, just substitute burgers and chips. We've had nettle and borage risotto as the new burger, roasted butternut squash and organic quail breast confit as the new burger. We've even had slow grown ostrich testicles sauteed with wild field mushrooms served on a bed of plutonium infused samphire cooked in a nitrogen freezer as the new burger. But at the end of the day, you cannot get away from the fact that children just love to eat little black dresses (surely burgers? - ed)

DVT Cheers Miners

A further celebration was in store for Nottinghamshire miners today. After the colliery was reopened in the village of Nutty Slack last month, the miners, working in coal seams more than two miles in the ground were cheering again today, when they were accompanied by DVT. Formed from the remnants of former colliery band, the Deep Vein Trombonists provided upbeat musical accompanyment as the coal was chipped from the rockface.

Among their most well-received numbers were a reworking of Manfred Mann's Gladrags and Handbags, called Oolite and Anthracite. this was followed by the Theme from Shaft, Old King Coal and a brass re-arrangment of the Prodigy song Smack my Bitumen Up.

Band leader, Smokin' Joe Cokin said that the day had been a success for the miners and DVT alike, although they did suffer a couple of problems. Their brass bells needed considerable cleaning from all the dust, and they had a fright when they caused a minor cave in when Tenor Trombone, Eeeoop Maddock stood too close to the tunnelside and cracked his slider into the loose rock. In view of this mishap, it was decided to cancel next weeks entertainment, blue comedian, Bernard Mining who had promised 'to bring the house down' and 'have them splitting their seams!'.

Film reviews: The Hardboard Man

A girl mysteriously disappears and Sergeant Neil Down (played by Chip Boardboard) is sent from the west country to visit the scene of her disappearance, Swedish island of SummerIkea. Down is a devout DIY-er and is increasingly disturbed at the behaviour of the islanders and the number of unassembled flatpacks. He is particularly worried about the alluring Willow-Pattern, a beautiful girl (played by Morna McDougall) who tried to seduce him by saying, "bring your tools big boy, and show me your best screwing action."

Suspecting that the young girl has been sacrificed in a strange pagan ritual, he disguised himself as a carpenter to attend their May Day celebrations. But he finds himself lured inside a half erected cupboard and before he can get out, the islanders screw on the remaining panels and he is left trapped inside. The girls is revealed to be alive and fittingly gives the last grub screw its final locking turn.

As Lord SummerIkea, villainous Allen Keye gives a stunning performance alongside Boardboard in this low budget thriller. And as the strapline says, "Screws to Screw, Hinges to Hinge, Don't build the Hardboard Man from the outside in."

Banjo-Spanked Donkey Sues Football Pundit

Central Courts, London. Today a donkey, Mr Clippety-Clop, from Skegness was in the courts in a claim for damages under a very obscure copyright law. The defendant, Mr Terry Bull-Defending, the well-known soccer analyst on the BBCs Saturday night flagship highlights show, Goals, Fouls and Cards is accused of stealing catchphrases.

Solicitor representing the donkey, Mr E C Dough explained on the steps to the courts, "It all started when Bull-Defending suggested that leading striker, Alan Sheep-Shearer, who had wasted a series of wide-open chances on goal - that he couldn't hit a donkey's arse with a banjo. It was unfortunate because the Skegness plodder had already coined the phrase. Because he was a notorious slowcoach on the seafront promenade, frequently refusing to even budge from stationary, his owner had hung a sign around the donkey's neck and left an old stringed instrument nearby. The sign invited the child jockeys to hit the donkey on the backside with the musical instrument to encourage a bit of momentum."

But Bull-Defending remained confident. He explained the loophole his lawyers had identified, "we are aware that the unusual musical riding crop is actually a ukulele."

The case continues, but heaven only knows why.