Sport: Leading Scientists Called In To Solve England Manager Problem

After drawing a 0-0 blank in the search for a new England manager of whom everyone will approve, the FA have called in leading scientists to help. Austrian surgeon, Dr Frankenstein and German body plastinator Dr Gunther Von Haagen Dazs have been asked to solve the problem.

FA spokesman, Brian McClueless, said, "we have a very tight specification for the man we are looking for. We want a tall, short, fat, thin, brown, blue-eyed man with grey, brown, mousey hair. He should be quiet and reflective and also emotional and capable of motivating players using a mixture of silent fuming and load shouting. He needs to be English, British and foreign and should be experienced whilst also being raw and untrammelled by failure."

The Doctors are said to have assembled the perfect candidate who has been put together from a long list of candidates.

McClueless said, "We are delighted our new manager Igor Pigsliver who should keep everyone happy, as he will be all things to all men. There's something for and from everybody with Igor. That should keep the journalists happy."