Fibonacci Sued Over Series

Courtroom 6 (as normal) of the High Courts was today the scene of a dramatic case. In the defendant's box was a box, one in a somewhat shambolic state of repair containing a Mr Fibonacci of Italy and in the plaintiff's seat was Gary Chavv. Mr Chavv complained that when he'd heard of the Fibonacci Series, he was expecting only a limited number of editions, but because the series was infinite, he was still engaged in reading it. In total, it had consumed several years of his life and was still running. Mr Chavv alleged that he had been conned into an endless sequence.

Mr Fibonacci was generally silent, but his defence lawyer said that he was getting bored with the proceedings and asked for a grant of leave. His lawyer said that he would wish to say, "Hasta La Vista" but being Italian he had to settle with the far less famous "Arrivaderci, bambino".Then the flaky pile of chipboard was whisked away in a black limousine.

The judge deliberates.

Valuable Collection Stolen

A Wakefield man was in tears today after his valuable lard collection was taken by thieves during the night. Lard collector, Ron Suet, said that the burglars must have broken into his garage in the small hours and taken his precious hoard.

"It's a tragedy. I had the world's largest collection of lard, including animal fats from everything from Mongolian yaks to Canadian caribou. My collection included the biggest range of lards from British cattle breeds anywhere in the world, " said Suet in tears.

Police suspect the thieves could be owners of chip shops. A tub of margarine is being offered as a small reward for information that could lead to an arrest.

The extent of the tragedy was undelined when new Home Secretary, Jimmy Attachdog weighed in, "It might only be lard, but this is no half-baked crime. When we get hold of the perpetrators, we will grill them mercilessly and if found guilty we'll send them to Texas and they gonna fry. But this is a diffcult crime to trace. The greasy criminals are bound to be a slippery lot and the chances are they'll simple melt away."

Film reviews: Mission Possible 3

A short man embarks on a CGI adventure, defying odds and supposedly succeeding. Meanwhile explosions and fireballs go off.

Tim Kruse plays the short man, Phil C Hoofman plays the villian but the star of the show is Robert Geek, the man at the helm of a powerful laptop and one heck of a graphic package. To be honest, without his tour de force performance, this film would be a bag of spanners.

Boom, bang, crash, wallop, bang. That is the plot. Except for one subtle twist. They all die failing in a mission which, unlike the title of the film, actually proves impossible.

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LyfeStile: The Secret of Good Skin is Mud - By Style Editor Leonie Lyfe

Mud, mud, glorious mud. Nothing quite like it for...improving your skin tone. Following TV's Jerry Helliwell's surprising discovery of the healing powers of the brown stuff, and a whole list of celeb endorsements, Mud clinics are springing up all over the place. There might be one near you - assuming you live in a fashionable chic neighbourhood that is - and I doubt that.

Helliwell discovered that her skin was surprisingly refreshed after falling into a muddy ditch during a Dutch dike vaulting tournament. "Initially I thought I was just soaking wet and covered in sh*t but after I towelled off I felt so much better. And that was that. The inspiration to start a whole new health fad. I just got some celeb friends to rave madly about it and we were off."

Mud treatments are nothing new, but Helliwell insists that the real secret is in the mud itself. "We use mud dredged by the bucketload from the tidal marches of the River Blackwater at Maldon in Essex." I asked why Maldon? Especially as she'd discovered the secret across the sea in Holland. "Well....Maldon Salt is supposed to be superior and so, I thought, a bit, that the mud from there might be just as good. And...as for the connection with Holland, well my geography teacher said that we are virtually connected to Holland. The Thames estuary is just one massive sand bank and if the sea level dropped just 10 foot, you could walk all the way to the Netherlands. Err...I think that's it."

So, in the interests of a freebie, your intrepid LyfeStile reporter decided to give the magic Essex sludge a go. It does have a bit of a seaweedy aroma, but after an application on my face for half an hour, I was told I looked 30 years younger, and offered a jelly baby by mistake. I must say that once the mud was removed I did feel a lot better.

Sceptics say that it is all mumbo-jumbo, but I'm not so sure. Well a dozen celebs can't be wrong, can they?

Local Sports Shop Wins Award

A small independent sports shop has won a prestigious national award this week. The shop in Reepham a village in Norfolk, called "Rackett Sports" beat off challenges from precisely no challengers for the national Sports Shop That Sells Actual Sports Equipment award held at London's prestigious Trafalgar Square Telephone Box.

Owner, Dennis Rackett, said he was overcome and surprised at receiving the award. He said that his store was the only one that didn't just sell footie shorts, "extreme" clothing and Timberland gear. "You can come into our shop and buy actual cricket bats, squash racquets or even table tennis tables, " he said, "although of course no one ever does. They just come in and get angry when I can't sell them knocked off grey imported England Shirts."

The award is sponsored by FattyBurgaz 'R' Us, the fast food peddler. Spokesman for the chain said he was pleased Mr Rackett could accept the award and that his company was proud to be associated with businesses which promote sport, activity and good health.

He then muttered something about the whole thing being a charade to cover up their guilt over fuelling obesity...caring company...blah, blah. But I may have misheard that.

Major Overhaul for Shopping Centre Urgently Needed

Former Prime Minister calls for Birmingham's famous Bull-Ring shopping centre to be given a face lift.

Sub-editor sacked by leading local newspaper.

Sub-editor given book on punctuation with P.45.

Major: Overhaul for Shopping Centre Urgently Needed. See, I can do it and I'm a humble journalist. Even if I did write that article on Corks and Pints Pots.

....Shane Nobrane (getting better).

Man fined by Trading Standards - But Confused

Courts Again: Today a leading chef Don Literal was fined £1000 by magistrates and told "not to di it again". Literal was left completely confused by the ruling. "I don't know where I stand now," he exasperated.

His story begins when he was previously before the beak on charges of misleading customers. The case was brought by the OFTF, the Office of Fair Trading Fascists, the public body charged with ensuring products supplied to customers as advertised. They complained that his West End restaurant had been selling Welsh Rabbit and his Mock Turtle Soup contained no rabbit, let alone one being from the Principality, nor the soup containing any chelonii, let alone false ones.

So, after a £500 fine, Literal began serving Shepherds Pie with real shepherds in it, and the House Wine was made from fermented roof tiles and bathroom suites. Undercover OFTF agents smelt a rat when one bit into a house brick from the Cottage Pie.

"With this latest ruling, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. They make the rules up as they go along," complained the chef.

Many sheep remian unrounded up on hills.

LyfeStile: School Dinners Need Revising - By Style Editor Leonie Lyfe

The experiment to encourage school children to eat meals made from proper ingredients is past its sell-by date and in an unexpected twizzle of fate, education authorities are reverting back to a non-stop offering of burgers, mechanically removed turkey meat products dripping in saturated fat and chips, chips and more chips.

Although educationalists have complained that children are missing their afternoon lessons, because they are still picking their way through rocket and mizuna leaves at two o'clock or trying to chew their way through tofu and pine nut roast well into double maths; fashionistas point out that the reversal is driven by style. Just like fashion colour schemes, designers have tried every colour under the sun to be "the new black", they always come back to square one in the end.

The same appears to be true with teenage diets. Instead of black, just substitute burgers and chips. We've had nettle and borage risotto as the new burger, roasted butternut squash and organic quail breast confit as the new burger. We've even had slow grown ostrich testicles sauteed with wild field mushrooms served on a bed of plutonium infused samphire cooked in a nitrogen freezer as the new burger. But at the end of the day, you cannot get away from the fact that children just love to eat little black dresses (surely burgers? - ed)

DVT Cheers Miners

A further celebration was in store for Nottinghamshire miners today. After the colliery was reopened in the village of Nutty Slack last month, the miners, working in coal seams more than two miles in the ground were cheering again today, when they were accompanied by DVT. Formed from the remnants of former colliery band, the Deep Vein Trombonists provided upbeat musical accompanyment as the coal was chipped from the rockface.

Among their most well-received numbers were a reworking of Manfred Mann's Gladrags and Handbags, called Oolite and Anthracite. this was followed by the Theme from Shaft, Old King Coal and a brass re-arrangment of the Prodigy song Smack my Bitumen Up.

Band leader, Smokin' Joe Cokin said that the day had been a success for the miners and DVT alike, although they did suffer a couple of problems. Their brass bells needed considerable cleaning from all the dust, and they had a fright when they caused a minor cave in when Tenor Trombone, Eeeoop Maddock stood too close to the tunnelside and cracked his slider into the loose rock. In view of this mishap, it was decided to cancel next weeks entertainment, blue comedian, Bernard Mining who had promised 'to bring the house down' and 'have them splitting their seams!'.

Film reviews: The Hardboard Man

A girl mysteriously disappears and Sergeant Neil Down (played by Chip Boardboard) is sent from the west country to visit the scene of her disappearance, Swedish island of SummerIkea. Down is a devout DIY-er and is increasingly disturbed at the behaviour of the islanders and the number of unassembled flatpacks. He is particularly worried about the alluring Willow-Pattern, a beautiful girl (played by Morna McDougall) who tried to seduce him by saying, "bring your tools big boy, and show me your best screwing action."

Suspecting that the young girl has been sacrificed in a strange pagan ritual, he disguised himself as a carpenter to attend their May Day celebrations. But he finds himself lured inside a half erected cupboard and before he can get out, the islanders screw on the remaining panels and he is left trapped inside. The girls is revealed to be alive and fittingly gives the last grub screw its final locking turn.

As Lord SummerIkea, villainous Allen Keye gives a stunning performance alongside Boardboard in this low budget thriller. And as the strapline says, "Screws to Screw, Hinges to Hinge, Don't build the Hardboard Man from the outside in."

Banjo-Spanked Donkey Sues Football Pundit

Central Courts, London. Today a donkey, Mr Clippety-Clop, from Skegness was in the courts in a claim for damages under a very obscure copyright law. The defendant, Mr Terry Bull-Defending, the well-known soccer analyst on the BBCs Saturday night flagship highlights show, Goals, Fouls and Cards is accused of stealing catchphrases.

Solicitor representing the donkey, Mr E C Dough explained on the steps to the courts, "It all started when Bull-Defending suggested that leading striker, Alan Sheep-Shearer, who had wasted a series of wide-open chances on goal - that he couldn't hit a donkey's arse with a banjo. It was unfortunate because the Skegness plodder had already coined the phrase. Because he was a notorious slowcoach on the seafront promenade, frequently refusing to even budge from stationary, his owner had hung a sign around the donkey's neck and left an old stringed instrument nearby. The sign invited the child jockeys to hit the donkey on the backside with the musical instrument to encourage a bit of momentum."

But Bull-Defending remained confident. He explained the loophole his lawyers had identified, "we are aware that the unusual musical riding crop is actually a ukulele."

The case continues, but heaven only knows why.