Tennis Star Arrested

Young British tennis ace, Shane Woollenshears 18, was today arrested by police for cruelty to animals. This had followed an extensive investigation involving a crack team of thousands of officers over the course of twenty years. DI Mink spoke for the Metropolitan Police. He would.

“Mr Woollenshears appears to have been proceeding with a first round match at Wimbledon against an opponent when his racket string broke. He was then seen to disembowel an item of a feline persuasion he had stowed about his kit bag, and to use its intestines to repair his broken equipment.”

Speaking in his defence, lawyer, Hugh Menrites said, “My client is a simple soul and didn’t seem to understand that modern tennis rackets are strung with synthetic cat gut. This is a travesty of justice, blah, blah. Here’s my invoice.”

Mr Woollenshears will have to be tried and imprisoned. My editor says imprisoned only if he’s guilty, which he damned well is. Britain isn’t worried though because although we were happy to endorse Mr Woollenshears for the recent Davis Cup match, he’s not really British is he? I mean he was born in Australia and only came here because he wasn’t good enough there.