Cancer: Mysterious Chemical to Blame

South Portsmouth Oncology Oversight Force, the Solent-based research group were bubbling today. They had discovered that the presence of newly discovered chemical compound, so called Iso-Acetyls are to blame for cancer.

Dr Oktar, now science adviser to the Daily Piffle said, "This is amazing news. This discovery means that cancer is not caused by lifestyle factors, genetic disorders or hormone imbalances at all. So we can all go on smoking, drinking, eating fatty foods, living next to nuclear power stations and having menopauses however we like."

But campaigners for Freedom to Behave Normally poured cold water on the findings. "That's all very well, but frankly we were going to carry on as normal anyway. This news changes nothing."

Apparently the mysterious Iso-Acetyls are contained in everything, ever. Even chocolate. So there's no avoiding them.