Home Office to become Home Office and Ministry of Nice Men in Blue (with fluorescent jackets) and Very Gentle Bollockings

The Home Office is to be given a radical new makeover in a budget busting rebranding exercise. Apparently the term Home Office has a low recognition register rating with the public, according to a singly attended focus group I went to. “No-one seems to know what we are here for,” said Home Secretary Carlos T Jackal, “So we’ve dumbed it up like all the other ministries. Take the merger of the two ministries, formerly Employment and Social Security, that’s a bloody gobful isn’t it, eight flipping syllables. Much more succinct to call it Work and Pensions, cutting syllabic red tape down by 8/3rds. If I may be so vulgar.”

As a result of sophisticated psychoanalytical studies, sophisticated psychoanalytical consultants are suggesting a similar change to reflect the nature of the work of the Home ministry. Babbling clown, Professor I C Inside of the University of Looe explained that the job of the Home Office was to administer the police and justice. But the first draft name; the Ministry of Flatfoots and Beatings had proved unpopular with the police and factually inaccurate because corporal punishment had long been abolished. Fuirthermore it was not in keeping with the modern softer approach to dealing with violent murderers, drug runners, gun toters and muggers.

“It was a difficult balancing act,” the Professor was told to say, “on the one hand justice has to been seen to be tough, so “Slight Telling Off and a £25 Music Token for Your Efforts” was in danger of undermining public confidence that the government are very, very, very tough on crime, but on the other “Nailing The Bastards” was clearly far too unfriendly. So we selected a beautiful compromise.”

In a further surprise move, Copz n Courts Secretary Jackal announced that the new ministry would indeed still be a sort of home office as he was moving his own part of the department to his back bedroom. Jackal scowlingly explained in a surprisingly candid moment, “I’m right hacked off with the commute, and the eight quid a day Congestion Tax and this move will allow me to get more done without any loss of professionalism”. Mr Jackal also requested that the interview held outside his house be terminated as the wind was whistling though his pyjamas.