Forget Carnal Knowledge – Here’s Charnel Knowledge

MPs have been decrying that the birth rate is too high because every child sooner or later becomes a non-productive pensioner. The current lingo around the house of commons “Silver-haired bastard” owes nothing to the worrying decline in marriage filtering though the system, but because the “bed-blocking” generation “do nothing but cost us money and votes”.

Children are to be viewed not as having potential, but as being potential drains of State finances and are soon to be banned altogether.

But so as not to quell our libidos totally, not least because bromide tablet prices have rocketed, State charnel houses are to be set up. Male charnelists are to be neutered totally to ensure a satisfactory (or indeed totally unsatisfactory) outcome. Females will be plied with after-shift gin by the bucket load.

Said minister for Department of Pensions, “Within a generation we will solve the pensions crisis with our new measures. We will provide State controlled brothels, and if that doesn’t appeal we will ensure reproduction is curtailed in women with the Vagi-bung and with an operation on men called the Vas-Constrictor. Pension fund deficits are caused by us breeding too many deferred superannuitants. We will tackle the problem by plugging the black holes and by strangling the pipeline.”