Clean Your Bottom and Eyes Simultaneously

New treatment developed in London will detoxify your intestines and your eyes at the same time. Pioneering technology enables the twin flushing to occur.

Colin Knock, Irrigation Specialist of top London clinic, "Pipe Cleaners" says, "ever since Princess Di, God rest her soul, used to come to us, we have had unprecedented interest in bowel flushing. Colonic irrigation has become the must have beauty treatment."

Colonic irrigation involves flushing out the intestines with water using a suitable tube, but pipe Cleaners have simply increased the tube aperture and the pressure for thier new combined treatment. Knock says, "the much wider pipe and higher water speed makes the whole process more aggressive. As a consequence the human body's own reaction, to release fluid from the tear ducts mean that the eyes get a proper cleaning too."

When I visited the clinic, one patient undergoing the new procedure, who wished to remain nameless said, "Now they've put that massive new nozzle on, it certainly makes the eyes water."

All Brand New Competition

Your super soaraway paper launches a new fantastic competition.

LADIES: PHOTOCOPY YOUR BREASTS

Just send us your pics of your photocopied breasts. The best ten in the view of our judges will go forward to our prize draw.

WIN a lifetime's supply of breastwear - bras, bikinis, whatever.

Just pop the little fellas on the copier and hit COPY. Remember though, the glass can get hot with repeated use so only one copy. We don't want you getting nipple scorch!

Gardeners Saved by New Development

Gardeners faced a grim summer in the South of England with hose pipe bans threatening their horticultural ways. Lawns would end up parched, bleached squares of straw, plants would fail to flower and vegetables would shrivel, but thanks to a revolutionary new invention things could be Rosier then normal.

Scientists at the University of Ussex in conjuction with horticulture giant Myvale plc have developed a new product called Dessicated Hydrogen. This powder, a dried form of base element hydrogen, is to be available for sprinkling on your garden when rainfall is low and hosepipes are banned. As is commonly known, water is made up of hydrogen and oxygen atoms, H2O, and the powdered hydrogen reacts with standard oxygen in the air to form moisture which slakes the plants thirst.

UoU spokeman Kevin Evan says "A brief application of powdered hydrogen can be the equivalent of several buckets water. A lawn can be rejuveneated or plants can be revived without resorting to the hose."

Gaseous hydrogen is explosive when mixed with oxygen as was witnessed with early airship distasters like the one at Cardington, but he powdered form is completely safe.

The major breakthough was welcomed by ministers.

Rationale

I was reading a newspaper the other day and realised how much nonsense it contained - almost beyond parody. The university of nowhere had published some nonsense report on bugger all and hey presto, Page 5 got some filler - fish oils or something. So here's a blog of newspaper nonsense.