Milk Shortage Will Only Benefit Strawberries

In recent months, the milk shortage has caused all sorts of worries amongst housewives. Dairy operators are suggesting rationing and even metering. Big milk users like cheese makers are worried that milk will be diverted away from commercial businesses to help the hard pressed homeowner. "It's a disaster," said milk producer Mr Giles Farmer," two bad years of housebuilding has used up all the pasture and we are now at an all time shortage of milk. It's been particularly bad in the south east of England."

But the news wasn't all bad. Strawberry growers were celebrating. "As all the milk's evaporated, it'll be good news for us. Evaporated milk is delicious with strawberries but absolutely horrible in tea."

Home Secretary Vows to Carry on With More of The Same

The new Home Secretary, Dr Fido "Snapper" Reed, told us that his new year's resolutions would be to get more exercise, and to give us more of the same in 2007.

Dr Reed said that although he was fit for purpose, he didn't want to rely on a double negative to fulfil that pledge. He said that although he was not fit, he didn't have a purpose either. By getting fit, he hoped that this might spur him on to finding a purpose.

In the meantime, he vowed that Home Offices services would carry on just as before. "There will be absolutely and categorically no dimishment in Immigration," he said and promised that policing would be very much more ineffective this year and there would be undoubtedly a marked rise in miscarriages of justice and appeals. "Everything is on the up," he said, "Except me of course because I'm not standing for the impending leadership contest."

Opposition Home Affairs spokesman pooh poohed the promises. "He's only doing more exercises so he can go on his holiday to the Sealife Centre in Hull. He wants to be fit for porpoises. And he's acknowledged he's getting on a bit, because Fido says, he's no longer fit for puppies. As for Law and Order, the justice system is so corrupt, it is only fit for perjurors." He then left me and sat down at Costa Coffe to enjoy a currant pun.

Man Marries Cement Mixer

A man from Staffordshire today was joined in matrimony in a new civil partnership. The building site he was working on was issued with a licence for the ceremony so that Mr Gary Gypsum was able to marry the cement mixer, a MultiTurner 500, during his tea break so that he was able to continue his bricklaying after the service. His gangmates joined him and the foreman Mr Eric Shunn conducted the service under council supervision.

Mr Gypsum shunned a relationship with a woman or another man, claiming that no one gave him the undying attention and service than his beloved MultiTurner. "Every morning I fill her up and she turns over completely satisfied," said the happy groom. "Mind you I do have to put up with her incessant chuntering on all day, but that is a small price to pay for all the work I get out of her."

The couple said that they wouldn't be goign abroad for their honeymoon because Mrs Gypsum would have trouble getting through the security arch at Stansted without considerable embarrassment and intend instead to cement their marriage on the Dorset coast where there was plenty of sand and limestone. "It'll be like a home from home," said Mr Gypsum.