Green Taxes For All Pledges Opposition Spokesman

The leader of the opposition, Dave Windmill, today pledged a "raft" of green taxes to conquer global warming. Under an opposition government, it can now be expected that all out movements will be taxed. There will be taxes on flights, taxes on car travel and taxes on sewage.

"We, as a green party who care for the environment intend to increase aircraft fuel duties, tax cars by the mile and to "chip" all of our toilets just like wheelie bins, said Dave whilst hugging a tree on his Webcam. It is proposed that should we produce more than the weekly requisite amount of effluent, then we will receive ASWO's, or Anti-Social Waste Ordures. This will be followed by a planned deluge of paperwork and an invoice for the cost of the excess. The process is planned to be streamlined, with a single excess Ordure penalty requiring only fourteen trees worth of paperwork to impose the additional £10 penalty. It is alos aimed to tax obesity as larger people tend to eat more.

"With our green hats on, we also plan to tackle the present scourge of teenage life, binge drinking. Police will be asked to stand outside nightclubs and pubs on cold wintry Friday and Saturday nights at 4am, waiting to spot people who have had too much to drink. Anyone looking decidedly green will be provided with a bucket and a £75 penalty notice."

But the Government have ridiculed these plans. "Rubbish," said spokesman Peter Plagiarism,"...is what we want to tax too. And cars. And poo. And booze. And we are with our new Motoring tax, Toilet surcharges, Binge Drinking levy and..err.. Obesity chips. That's right want Tyre tax, Toilet Duty, Fine Drinking and Chips for the Obese. Oh yes. We are the party most committed to Waste Taxes"

Delia Dish's Cookery Course

You lot...yes you. You don't have a clue beyond pressing "nuke" for three minutes on the microwave do you. Yes..you lot...they do make lasagne in Italy. And Moussaka in Greece. Properly like. Not in individual plastic tubs you heat in the magic white box. So, realising that we all have lost the art of actually cooking things from raw ingredients, a new series of articles from the doyenne of cookery, Delia Dish, chef, drunken rabble rouser and sometime football manageress.

Boiled Eggy Soldiers.

Two slices of bread
An Egg

1. Boil some water in a pan and put the egg in for four and a half mintes (medium egg) or five minutes (large egg).
2. Put the bread in the toaster.
3. Remove toast, cut crusts off and cut into eight soldiers.
4. Remove egg, put into a cup, remove top and eat by dipping toast into yolk.
5. Shout "I'm the kitchen daddy now Ramsay!"

Boiled Cat with Raisins.

Air rifle
Next door's cat
Raisins (sultanas will do)

1. Sit in bedroom window, and wait
2. Shoot cat
3. Put in a pot. Add a bay leaf
4. Boil for 4 hours
5. Mince, add raisins and put the mixture into a carrier bag
6. Post back through next door's letter box labelled "christmas mincemeat mix"
7. Sigh with relief at the absence of shit on the lawn.

Next week: Serving the perfect pie and gravy to angry football supporters and Jewish favourite, Yom Kipper.