A Wakefield man was in tears today after his valuable lard collection was taken by thieves during the night. Lard collector, Ron Suet, said that the burglars must have broken into his garage in the small hours and taken his precious hoard.
"It's a tragedy. I had the world's largest collection of lard, including animal fats from everything from Mongolian yaks to Canadian caribou. My collection included the biggest range of lards from British cattle breeds anywhere in the world, " said Suet in tears.
Police suspect the thieves could be owners of chip shops. A tub of margarine is being offered as a small reward for information that could lead to an arrest.
The extent of the tragedy was undelined when new Home Secretary, Jimmy Attachdog weighed in, "It might only be lard, but this is no half-baked crime. When we get hold of the perpetrators, we will grill them mercilessly and if found guilty we'll send them to Texas and they gonna fry. But this is a diffcult crime to trace. The greasy criminals are bound to be a slippery lot and the chances are they'll simple melt away."
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