You lot...yes you. You don't have a clue beyond pressing "nuke" for three minutes on the microwave do you. Yes..you lot...they do make lasagne in Italy. And Moussaka in Greece. Properly like. Not in individual plastic tubs you heat in the magic white box. So, realising that we all have lost the art of actually cooking things from raw ingredients, a new series of articles from the doyenne of cookery, Delia Dish, chef, drunken rabble rouser and sometime football manageress.
Boiled Eggy Soldiers.
Two slices of bread
An Egg
1. Boil some water in a pan and put the egg in for four and a half mintes (medium egg) or five minutes (large egg).
2. Put the bread in the toaster.
3. Remove toast, cut crusts off and cut into eight soldiers.
4. Remove egg, put into a cup, remove top and eat by dipping toast into yolk.
5. Shout "I'm the kitchen daddy now Ramsay!"
Boiled Cat with Raisins.
Air rifle
Next door's cat
Raisins (sultanas will do)
1. Sit in bedroom window, and wait
2. Shoot cat
3. Put in a pot. Add a bay leaf
4. Boil for 4 hours
5. Mince, add raisins and put the mixture into a carrier bag
6. Post back through next door's letter box labelled "christmas mincemeat mix"
7. Sigh with relief at the absence of shit on the lawn.
Next week: Serving the perfect pie and gravy to angry football supporters and Jewish favourite, Yom Kipper.
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